15 Harsh Psychology Facts That Will Make Your Life Easier – Adam Lane Smith
Attribution: Chris Williamson
@ChrisWillx, Host of Modern Wisdom Podcasts
Commentary/Comment: Chris Williamson, prominent podcaster and relationship expert, in an interview with Adam Lane Smith, a psychotherapist and an author, says husbands who complain about having zero sex, have no idea how the female sex drive actually works and the complaining makes it much worse.
Smith the reply’s with, “women after one year of marriage, their sex drive switches from attraction and bonding-with-you mode to long-term-stability and mate-retention mode.” Chris adds – “in discussion that means emotional intimacy, trust and predictability. Many couples are missing these three things so her sex drive tanks and neither person knows why.”
Smith again says, “If you have given her the adequate emotional bonding and if she has decent enough, secure enough attachment to receive that bonding, her sex drive will go way up because her brain says keep this man around and have his babies.
Improved emotional intimacy leads to better non sexual physical intimacy which leads to better sexual physical intimacy, it should begin in your emotional bonding and connection. It will drive her sex drive through the roof and not only be receptive to you, but will be chasing you through the house.”
Many women do not know how their own sex drive works. Women don’t want to have sex because the husband isn’t doing what is necessary as her husband. What would it take to change that?
It would take things like spending more time together, you need to detail the things it would take to adequately cover what it means to spend more time together from her perspective, hence giving him a measurable list to work from. The list should include enough specificity to make it effective like: do this, do it this often, for this amount of time, to this level in this way.
Men’s emotional intimate bonding – the male sex drive typically works in this way, if men have enough resources then he wants to reproduce, because he has enough resources to protect whatever comes from as a result of what he reproduced.
The male brain says if I am going to throw endless resources at something, I need to make sure it is actually going to be sustainable and that everything is going to continue the way it needs to.
If a woman is betraying him, a woman is completely anti-maternal, a woman is actively hurting him and attacking him, or if his stress level is overwhelmingly high from his environment, his sex drive will suffer and go down. It takes pretty significant factors for his feeling that this is not sustainable for his sex drive to tank.
Bonding through oxytocin helps men achieve better, faster erections and lasting erections so oxytocin is important for men.
Women have orgasms and their orgasm happens largely due to an overwhelming supply of oxytocin. It is the same hormone that causes labor and birth. Pitocin is synthetic version of oxytocin and is used by doctors to induce labor, boost contractions, and control bleeding after birth. Women flood with oxytocin during sex.
Men have one orgasm, if they get one, and oxytocin may or may not affect the male brain as much as the female brain, it seems to be there more to move the semen along. They may bond a bit with a woman bit with oxytocin but men have far more receptors for vasopressin.
Vasopressin is the hormone more responsible for bonding when you achieve a mission together, solve a problem together or reach a goal together. Men are goal oriented.
He wants to set a goal with her in bed (e.g., her having a set number of orgasms, or how long it will last for), achieve the goal, celebrating it with her, and then bonding will occur more with her then what his own orgasm will bond him with a woman. Accomplishing a mission together as a team will do it, achieve it together.
That is the vasopressin piece, together as a team you achieved it. Placing a challenge that he can achieve while also having sex is his piece of the puzzle.
His brain says together as a team, what else can we accomplish together. His brain say I want to work with her to solve other problems together as well. Because now I have proven you are good proven trustworthy ally in my life. That is the key.
How should women maximize it for men. Women should maximize vasopressin in men by stopping not asking for orgasms, stop not just letting it happen, stop just lying there and closing your eyes and not connecting, actually engage in it. Tell him how amazing it was, but mean it, don’t fake it. Do it and accomplish it together. Celebrate the win together as a team.
Make your partner feel good, not focused on the sex itself. Attachment is the foundation for your life.
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