#Committed – My Relationship that Fizzled Out- The eX Files
After all of this time, it is over and done with. Our relationship started as a whirlwind and I got swept up in the romance of our time together, and of the hopes and dreams of a long term relationship. I was very committed, and now think I should be #committed.
It seems unfair that it’s over. I was so overly committed this time and I feel that I really lost myself in this relationship. I have to look back and really sort out what happened.
My ex, Jim is an engineer that is so focused on his work that he spends all of his time focused on computers. I felt at times like I had to understand technology just to have regular conversations. His commitment is to the machines in his life.
Our Happiest Moments
When we first got together it was so much fun. We did so many things together including outdoors activities, hiking and beach going, walks around town as well as going out on the town regularly. Both of us enjoyed this time together.
We both have a lot of close friend and we were constantly interacting with them and his family. We made it a habit to do things together a lot also.
When we started we were so close, and we had great chemistry. We were committed to each other. The sex was good and we shared long nights and days in bed on the weekends. But it wasn’t all about sex we genuinely liked each other.
He had many more interests outside of his work then also, and liked doing things and going places. Again, we had a close relationship and did everything together and we were inseparable.
I had read that patterns are formed early on in a relationship. They say that some people put up with a lot in the beginning of a relationship just to get along. If you don’t address something that is bothering you early on, or if you haven’t established what you want in a relationship early on, then it is becomes too late and too hard to make a shift later. And, I found myself wonder if this is what was ultimately happening.
Time to Breathe
I was later told that maybe; we didn’t give our relationship an opportunity to “breathe.”
I was introduced to an article from yourtango.com regarding why relationships fall apart, written by Roy Biancalana, a certified relationship coach and author of Attracting Lasting Love: Breaking Free of the 7 Barriers that Keep You Single.
He says it’s natural that relationships ebb and flow. But ours seemed to have more ebb than flow. The article talks about relationships inhaling and exhaling which seems like an appropriate behavior if you read the detail, and a normal response. It says to push back and gain a little space and then flow back into closeness, or “a natural rhythm of coming together and separating.”
It felt like there was a shift in Jim’s mindset however, that I just didn’t understand. It was definitely more of a shift and a permanent shift, that I first interpreted as a phase. Maybe it was him that needed to be committed.
Relationship Fizzle
It seems so cliché that our relationship just fizzled. It as if he was going through the motions of coexisting, maybe we both were. It was that he didn’t seem to want to spend as much time with me anymore.
There was no knock down, drag out fights, we actually got along really well. I think maybe he just lost interest in me. He didn’t choose other people over me, unless you just concluded that he chose himself.
In general, our level of communication significantly decreased and he filled his time with his work and his hobby, which were one in the same really. I asked him why he was hiding behind his computer and he just told me I was imagining it, insinuating that I was crazy. He never said anything hurtful to me so I thought we would get through it.
I Spoke with Friends and My Mom
My friend Jenny said that I should move on. But I was just not ready.
The fact that I was reaching out to him, but he just didn’t respond was a red flag she said. She was a big proponent in telling me that I needed to focus on my needs, but I was still in love with Jim and didn’t want to listen. I continuously tried to reach him.
I’m not sure if I was the last person he wanted to talk to, or if there was anyone that he wanted to talk to. I tried speaking to his mom and his family but they were all pretty busy and didn’t seem to care.
I reached out to his friends but they didn’t want to get involved. While my friends said it was time to move on, my Mom said to stick it out.
I thought great, there is someone in my corner after all. She said that maybe something was bothering him and he would one day let me know what it was. Hopefully sooner than later.
He became such a recluse that I started to even see less and less of him. He always came home, but he couldn’t be bothered with me.
The End of It
After trying for several months and trying to have reasonable conversations or any real communications about us, I gave up. I felt heartbroken that I was the one leaving. And as I said before, it seems unfair that it’s over. I was so committed to this relationship. I just couldn’t take the constant rejection. It took several months of being alone before I started to put myself back out there again. I just was not ready to give up completely.
I had heard a rumor later that he had met someone online. I suspected that maybe he was chatting with someone online. But I understand that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and little has changed with him. I’m sad that he gave up on us, when I was so committed.
