Crazy Brain Wiring in our Relationship – A Dating Success Story
She is the right brain to my left brain.
She is the Artist, and I am the Scientist. So, you might ask, why does this work for us?
A right-brain dominant person, values intuition and emotions. A left-brain dominant person values logic and familiar routines. It boils down to which side of your brain do you use more.
Of course we use both sides or hemispheres in our average daily lives. According to NPRs Tonia Lomborozo in The Truth about Right Brain/Left Brain Relationships, “the right hemisphere is the seat of language and more logical, while the left is more creative.” Which one dominates has bearing on our thoughts patterns and personal interactions, however.
This crazy brain wiring was something we had to understand and embrace in our relationship for it to work.
We Are Not Just One Side of Our Brains, Fortunately
For us it was pretty clear that we could both communicate effectively and are logical, it was really that which came first to each of us, and then how we express what we need from each other. Amy (my LTR) is an Art Instructor and Artist. She gets lost into her work for hours, exercising her creative mind. I love this side of her and like to watch her (albeit a bit secretly at times) as she expresses herself through her art. She gets hands on with the clay and canvasses and builds some amazing pieces.
She can be quick to react to things that she encounters unexpectedly, but she has the ability and takes a beat to put it into perspective before speaking. For me this is so refreshing and I believe the key to our happiness. It’s how well she manages what comes out of her, both emotionally and in her actual communications. I used to expect her to react with strong emotions, but she manages it so well.
I think because she has that outlet to get her expression out in her daily work that she can control herself when she isn’t working. I liken it to me who is stressed at work and use exercise to get those negative things out of me and not bring it home. I guess that is our balance.
I tend to be overly logical and poorly emotional. If I get balanced myself, I can connect better and be more centered with the ability to empathize and be more connected with expressions of emotion. I try to get out of my head what I’m thinking sooner, rather than hold on to it and let it ruminate in my brain too long. I get it out and then try to sort out the emotions of it. Amy lets me do this in real-time before reacting.
She is really the key to our relationship balance, but both of us working to be balanced for each other, is how it actually works. It is for us what works, and what manifests as our version of true love.
You might ask what is true love? 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” I think that ability is inherent, and comes from the Creator above.
How We Met and How our Brains are Wired
We met at a party hosted by mutual friends and had the best conversation about the John Wick movies, and our shared fondness for Keanu Reaves. She laughed at me when I said the John Wick movies were the best because there was so little dialog and so much amped up and unnecessary violence. She said that she followed them but didn’t quite get the attraction until I explained it so eloquently, which made me laugh.
Her love for Keanu was more physical attraction and didn’t think he had to act, but just stand there and look sexy. I didn’t get that. J I chocked it up to crazy brain wiring. I don’t strongly think he can really act, but I still like his movies.
Maybe it isn’t unusual that we would like someone for different reasons, or that she found a stud-ly actor attractive or that I like action movies with large amounts of physical violence. It was just interesting to me that she was open to my interpretation and I understood her perspective. I liked our differences in opinion and perspective, to balance my version of crazy with hers. The ability for understanding and effort to achieve that understanding.
We have brought that level of attention, care and consideration for each other’s perspective and the necessary communications into all aspects of our relationship. It helps that she has that ability to smile and laugh at both of us, when we say or do or say something stupid.
How and Why We Connect
Well, relationships require work to keep going, but you have to understand that thing are different and we fell for each other when we first met. Not love at first sight mind you. Just instant chemistry, attraction and lust really. This worked its way into a lot more overtime, but I believe it started to seep in from the onset. We had the right stuff to connect.
We connected at the right time in our lives and we were in the right place. We also had some unspoken connection that neither of us could put into words or fully comprehend. I’ve been informed since then that there are some vital elements that are necessary for a long lasting relationship to form and survive.
According to Stephan Labossiere of Stephan Speaks, certified relationship coach, speaker and author, The Three Cs for forming and keeping a relationship center on Compatibility, Chemistry, and Connection.
He says that there is a distinct difference between connection and chemistry. In fact, that there is a big difference between the three C’s – Compatibility, Chemistry, and Connection which form the basis of long term harmony:
Compatibility – is the logical approach to fit or if you fit together (as looking on paper as a match) – same background, same family type, shared values, (Social Constructs) – bringing balance to each other
Chemistry – is the engaging and mixing together, that goes beyond attraction (available in greater abundance and can be built or destroyed easily). Chemistry can be created, think team building and destroyed just as easily.
Connection – is the glue that holds it all together. Where true love can exist. Its “Your spirit recognizing its match.” It’s what gives you the long-lasting motivation to join forces and motivation to please your partner.
I believe that Amy and I have all three of these things and were at the right point in our lives when we met, and we’re healthy enough emotionally to tackle each other. Okay, yes that way also. Yowzer.
Bucking Human Nature in Mating
They say, as humans we gravitate towards relationships that mirror the relationship we had with our parents. I think we bucked this notion overall, but Amy has that certain loving nature that brings me comfort. I think mom didn’t have enough of it, so it is something that I subconsciously craved.
The say that it is important to understand that culture (i.e., culture, habits, customs and societal mores) has a lot to do with who one is looking to “couple-up” with. It’s human nature to gravitate to the familiar and to one’s comfort zone. Most people have a “type,” i.e., someone who meets their ideal vision, whatever it is. For Amy it was: tall, dark and handsome…and from a good mid-western family… and with a Harvard education, etc. (2 out of 3 ain’t bad).
But, some say that is also limiting and one should be willing to expand their vision of the perfect mate. Typically, one’s comfort zone when seeking a mate is largely shaped by:
- desire (attraction, chemistry, etc.), and
- culture, your societal mores, personal norms, past experiences, and desired sophistication or class level.
* Holding onto a veritable laundry list of ‘deal-breakers’ also holds people back.
Amy is different than what I had envisioned as a mate in a long term relationship, but I think I am just a different person all together than most normal average men. My crazy brain wring is too logical and not engaging emotionally, unless I take the time and commitment to exercising that ‘right’ part of my mind. She gives me the latitude I need to get to my emotions.
With this in mind. I believe that one should look for potential instead of perfection. Getting out of the comfort zone allows one to shirk the standards, past experiences, past issues (baggage), etc. from an ex-relationship, and not bring them to a future relationship also.
Our willingness to work through our differences, and again, I give so much credit to Amy for her innate abilities to store, then forward her logical emotions that helps me to fully appreciate how much care she takes in doing that for me.
For our dating success, her crazy brain wiring works with my crazy brain wiring through effort and will.
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