Dating in your 50s- You are not it
I could have been it.
I should have been it.
I thought I was it.
Why can’t I be it?
But alas, she told me, “You are not it.”
There I was, a little flabbergasted and flatfooted
Yep you guessed it, by “it” she meant I wasn’t the one that she would truly let herself fall in love with and maybe ultimately marry and share a life with.
Maybe I was full of it, but I really thought that we had the right connection, and the right level of compatibility to make a go at it. I realize that men are the relationship controllers ultimately, but she has to be a willing participant in it to start off with.
I thought that if I played my cards right, that she would share my plan for the future. Boy, I guess that I was wrong.
I always took the approach that a first date is a test run, a meet and greet. Nothing more. I always say, don’t oversell it. Don’t over anticipate it. Alas, my funds have some limitations. (I did use this same phraseology in another story I wrote 🙂 ).
I’m thinking that the more casual meet and greet is still a good first approach while you are getting to know someone. You have to stick and move a bit, while you are reviewing the landscape. Don’t break the bank trying to impress her unnecessarily, but if you find one you want to see again, you have to spend a little and do something more while dating.
Dating cost money, facts, but if the money is what impresses her, then she is not in the right frame of mind. She is not it.
You have to also understand that at some point, you cannot be cheap. Men, we have to be realistic and show that she matters to you.
The Inward Journey
As I look back on it, I may have been a big part of the problem with it. And, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I didn’t put in enough effort. I felt that if I just was involved and present that it would be enough. She had a different opinion.
I wanted to be myself, which I did. I now think that I need to work on myself. It is easy to blame someone else, and even harder to realize that you might be to blame. I tend to keep to myself, within my shell.
So, now I understand that this isn’t enough. And I truly am not it. At least in my present state of mind. I can be it, but I actually have to be upfront and work on being forthright, more outspoken and assertive.
I know who I am, and I needed to let her know that. I didn’t open up with her like I used to. I think somewhere in life I shut down a little and grew away from expressing who I am and what I stand for. I think it is somewhat typical to lose a part of yourself throughout a long marriage. Divorce is a rude awakening and now in your 50s and dating in your 50s, you have to have a clear understanding of your situation. Of who you are and what you have to offer.
I forgot to have fun along the way, I worked too much and got away from my hobbies while I was married.
It pains me to say it, but with her I truly wasn’t it. I wasn’t a healthy, clear, and an open minded man who made his own path in life anymore. I figured out that I needed to get there. Her letting me know I was not it, was the re-awakening that I needed.
SO…
I have made a few changes, some might not see them all as positive, but at least they are honest.
I moved into a new place in a new city, met some new friends, went back to the gym, went back to drinking beer, went back to telling the truth about my feelings, started sharing my experiences while volunteering, started playing golf, and got right with God.
To each is own (to each their own), but this is what I did.
I had to find what made me happy and what makes me who I am. Yep, I don’t think I was it for her at the time, and not even today.
I am right for the right person however, as I know who I am and I’m not closed off to learning and experiencing what life has to offer.
I know that I want to do it my way. And if in the future I meet someone who likes it that way and wants to get on board of it (crudely or otherwise), then it is the right it for both of us. It’s my plan, it is my life and I am the leader of it. Get on-board or get out of the way for someone who wants to.
