In our previous post, Dating After Divorce: Why It’s So Hard, And What 5 things you Can Do to Make It Easier, we cover five things you can do to make it easier to get back into the dating scene.
If you’re divorced and ready to date again, there are a few key things that you should be aware of:
- First, it’s important to take your time. There’s no rush to jump back into the dating game.
- Second, be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for. If you’re not ready for a serious relationship, that’s OK. You can still have fun and date casually.
- Lastly, don’t compare your new relationships to your old one. Every relationship is different and should be treated as such.
5 more things you need to know
Again, as a follow-on to our previous post we offer 5 more things that you need to know about dating after divorce.
- Take your Time and Find your Identity
This is an oldy but a goody…Don’t rush into anything.
There’s no need to feel like you have to jump back into the dating game within days of your divorce, or even weeks after. It’s all about finding someone you want to spend time with and getting to know them.
Take some time and find yourself. Get your feet under you. Mathew Hussey the renowned dating expert, recently discussed the first steps you need to understand. He very cleverly outlined the idea that as a person, you see yourself in a particular way. If you are a hard worker, you may identify yourself with your work (especially the men out there). “I’m an Engineer.”
If you were in a long relationship maybe you identified yourself that way, “I’m a wife and mother of three.”
Mathew references the Banker who takes his own life after losing his job following a crash to the banking industry. Crash, now what? Fired, now what?
He identified as I’m a Banker, not the many other many things he was. Maybe a father, a church deacon, a good friend, or a son to a great mother, maybe a husband to a nice woman or maybe he had a few great hobbies like playing the guitar or piano. His identity was his to identify with, but he didn’t appreciate that there is a matrix of things that made this man who he was, even though there was a major hit to one of his identifying characteristics.
Now that you are single, how do you now identify? Crash, your divorced. What do you want your identity to be?
You have an opportunity to identify with anything you desire. How was that old sports team you were a part of before, can you go back to that? How was that acting class you loved, you can go back to that? Find your passion or rediscover an old one.
This past month, I met a man at a party who was recently divorced. His wife got the house and the kids. He said to me, I don’t know what to do. I was such an involved father on a daily basis. I’m lost. His major identity was that of a father. I suggested that he may have to rewrite his identity to find the peace he needed. He needed to find an identity that made him happy. It’s an opportunity to identify in a new way.
- Be kind to yourself. Someone will love you for who you are.
It’s easy to get down on yourself after a divorce, but there is no need.
You are the same person you were before your marriage. You may have to look inward to all of the different pieces of yourself. Again, look at the matrix of what things that make you who you are. There are some very redeeming qualities that you have.
When you have direction and have passion for what it is that make you, you. That is attractive to others.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve love and happiness, just like anyone else. You will find someone who loves you for you and treats you right.
- Be honest Be open and honest with yourself and others.
If you don’t want to date right now, that’s fine. No one should be pushing you forward when you’re not ready.
The world is actually full of people who will want to love you and take care of you, so don’t settle for someone just because they’re there. You don’t have to change who you are. You just need to focus on the things that make you happy. That’s how you end up with a relationship that doesn’t make you happy or keep you safe.
After my divorce, I had to sit down and layout the things that actually make me happy. I came up with a surprisingly short list: Live music, cycling, good food, and good friends I could spend time with. It’s simple, but all of these things simply make me happy.
- Be self-aware – know what you want and don’t settle for less.
Having been in a relationship for a long time, you might have lost sight of who you are as an individual or your ability to openly project what you want.
Sure, you might not know what you want or like anymore. Try some new things. If you don’t cook, take a cooking class. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s just important to re-discover yourself. Or reinvent yourself.
Try new things and enjoy yourself.
- Don’t forget to have a life outside of the relationship.
You might have been so focused on your significant other that you’ve forgotten what it was like to be single.
Again, it’s important to remind yourself of this by spending time with friends, family and doing activities that make you happy. Identify yourself as your life 2.0. Just remember to keep your identity.
In Conclusion:
Starting to date again after a divorce can be both exciting and daunting. But by following advice such as the above, you can ease yourself back into the dating pool, gradually, and safely.
And who knows, you might just meet the love of your life!
Good luck out there.
