Gender Wars – One Plus One Equals Three (1+1=3)?
Every year for the last 50 years, women have become more educated, and are making more money than their counterpoints in men. In urban centers, more women under the age of 30 are making more money and own their own houses than compared to the single men. The imbalance continues to grow year over year. With this being the fact, can you build a relationship with multiplying and positive growth i.e., a relationship where one plus one equals three in the future?
There are on-going gender wars today, we all know this. But, that war is somewhat self-imposed, based upon what society tells us.
50%- 80% of women say they won’t date a guy shorter than them. It’s not always a conscious thought or pattern, it is somewhat anthropological or a non-cognizant biologic behavior, in that they are not attracted to shorter men, because they have something inside them telling them that this individual is less likely to be able to physically protect them. They also want a man that makes more money than them for the same type of reason.
Ladies, are we being too superficial?
Measuring the Gender Wars
If you research the past and compare it to today, it becomes evident that a pattern has formed that makes the gender wars problem for men and women worse, and socially-economically issues compound the issues between them.
Again, as an example, if you look at the research of our past and compare it to today for women over 30, there is a growing divide, and the trend is negative.
Pew Research and the Centers of Disease Control from 1970, Compared to Today
- Only 13% of woman over 30 were unmarried in 1970, today it is about 50%
- The divorce rate for woman over 30 has doubled in the last 50 years
- In 1970, roughly 28% of women over 30 were earning more than their husbands, today that number is about 50%
- In 1970, near 10% of women over 30 were childless, today it is almost 30%
- In 1970, only 12% of women over 30 were living alone, today it is over 35%
This stark comparison is alarming in regard to relationships, and is evidence of we are experiencing today. This trend is not bearing well for relationships and society.
This gender war between men and women is growing. The results of the war are hurting both sexes, and maybe equally.
Loneliness and Mating
On the point of loneliness, women may have better coping mechanisms. If you look at how many people have a best friend, men vs woman. Multiples of more women have nonromantic relationships, like best friends, regardless of this state of affairs, then do men. Because women are better at making social connections and nonromantic relationships with other women than men are. They may also have a stronger need to have a bond.
That is not to say a best friend is a replacement for a romantic relationship, it just means that women are better at seeking, gaining and projecting qualities of importance upon different types of relationships to cope for the lack of romantic relationships better than men do. It doesn’t mean they are happy or satisfied.
Loneliness can therefore manifest itself in depression. It’s a bleak picture. According to the National Library of Medicine, “there is an explicit gender impact on diagnosed depression, with a 2:1 ratio of women/men; about one in four women and one in ten men will develop depression severe enough to require treatment at some time in their lives.”
The study also reports, “Moreover, depression may present differently in women and men. Women may be more prone to somatic symptoms of depression, whereas men appear to have more melancholic symptoms and to be more susceptible to drug misuse and aggressive behavior.”
Overall this lack of relationship is bad for both sexes, and the lack of relationships results in a population decline, mental health issues and suicide on the rise.
It’s a fact that men mate social economically horizontal and below or down (mostly on physical attraction), women mate social economically horizontally and up. Therefore, the pool of socially economic men, in the case that women are gaining against men, means the pool of available men is shrinking for them. The competition for available men that they want is increased, as the size of the pool is decreased.
Woman have been told that they can have it all, but in reality this is rare
Men are measured by their professional success. Women are judged by society for their romantic successes. They are evaluated by their peers by successes and failure, although men are not judged this way. For men, their single status is seen as a feature, for women it is seen as a problem or a bug. In reality, both might be equally as lonely.
An average looking woman can sleep with a man who is in the top 10% of men, but they have poor odds of establishing a long term relationship with them. The top 10% of men are getting the opportunity for 80% + of the women for short term relationships or sex. Since these top tier men can engage in this behavior, there is not a lot of motivation for them to establish long term relationships. This exacerbates the gender wars, and leads to a lot of bad behavior and the lack of household formations.
Having that online dating, has given access of everyone to everyone. The majority of women are interested in the same group of men.
Guys that most women want, and that they believe they should be in a relationship with, i.e., the top 10%, are the least likely to establish a long term relationship, and then the bottom 90% of men either have little or no interest from women.
The result is a disproportionate number of both men and women, are simply lonely and not in long term relationships.
Today, the Situation of Single Men and Women is Bad for Women, but it is also Bad for Men
Men have a tendency when they don’t have a romantic relationship, to not only not have that relationship, but to actually have fewer friends, they go out less, and they are less professionally successful.
Men are motivated by the women in their lives. A lot of men in relationships claim their wives make them better men. A majority of young men need the guardrails that women in their lives, their romantic interests, impose upon them.
The differences between men and women in a household, with one more risk aggressive and pushing the boundaries for what can be done, and one more averse or is more practical, is what leads to a fruitful union. This may fit traditional gender roles or could be the reverse, but it is what makes a successful and powerful combination, where one plus one equals three. This multiplying effect is a done through people joined together in relationships, who have these different attributes and build something together.
Again, not having long term romantic relationships are typically bad for women, but they are still successful, and find places to put their love. They don’t turn their lack of romantic relationships into aggression like men do. Although for women, fewer children are produced that give them the long term happiness they naturally desire. And society as a whole suffers with the lack of well-rounded individuals bringing great opportunity at success.
Loneliness and Reality
Dr. Christie Kederian, LMFT, Dating and Relationship Coach, recently held a seminar on Mastering Your Dating Mindset. She says that loneliness is the weakness form of being alone. Where solitude is the strength or strong form of being alone. Men have an easier time with being alone and with solitude.
The converse of the lack of a relationship success is being alone, and some say that is okay with them.
Kederian says to let yourself be alone. You have to make it about yourself, then that of the other person. We walk into relationships because we are scared of being alone. And when we go into a relationship because of it. She says that studies show that we do three things.
If you are feeling alone, if you’re scared of being alone and single, and you got into a relationship because of that fear, then 3 things occur:
- You settle for less than you deserve
- You’re more likely to be dependent upon that person, because you think they are out of your league. So you become more flexible and try to change and mold yourself to become anything that they want you to be
- You will be scared to leave them. You think being with them is better than being alone.
Well, there is no short answers here. One Plus One Equals Three (a relationship with multiplying and positive growth) if you find the right combination in a romantic partner, and go into a relationship in the right mindset. Telling yourself that it is okay to be alone is probably more detrimental to your wellbeing, then it is having a positive mindset and positive view of relationships. People were made for relationships.
We don’t think that being alone is the answer, but dating is hard work. It’s hard to find the right person and then to decide that you are not settling. It may come down to your mindset in the end.
So, Don’t be Too Picky, and Choose the Best Person
They say that people treat dating like shopping – I want this. I’m going to go find this. But not that. And they try to get things or characteristics in a person, ala carte. You can’t just order them up. I want them to be sensitive, I want them to be strong… kind, driven, ambitious, tall, caring.
You actually meet a person, and get what you get from them. Nothing more.
Of course, a person can grow and learn to be more of what the other person wants, over time, given the time and effort in a relationship. There are areas where people may be growing or seeking to grow. But you won’t be able to pick things from a Chinese menu to instill upon a wish for that single individual in a long term relationship. No one person can measure up to all of our desires at the same time.
Finding the right person and mating with them can bring that multiplying combination of one plus one equals three, if you get right with your emotions and goals. I don’t know if we can stop the gender wars or the trends we are seeing. But, maybe you can have it all when you look at the big picture, and it is spread out over time in a long term relationship.
*****
Dating Refinery’s Blogs, Articles and Diaries are meant to reflect an individual’s experience and do not necessarily reflect Dating Refinery’s point of view. Dating Refinery in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior.
The first step to getting your life in order might just be sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with us — to try on your own, check out our blogs and discovery sections. For more information and stories, click here.
Do you have a Dating Diary you’d like to share? Submit it with us here.
Do you have a Video you’d like to share? Submit it with us here.
Have questions about how to submit or our publishing process? Email us here.
