Embracing the Seasons of Life in Relationships – Self Improvement
By: Dr. Alan Stevens
Recall the excellent 1962 hit song by the Byrds, Turn! Turn! Turn (To Everything There is a Season). This paraphrasing of a passage in the Book of Ecclesiastes, reminds us all that one of the things we can most count on, is change.
These changes certainly happen around us across the world experience, but also among us individually. We can easily consider these evolutions or changes as ‘seasons,’ implying there is both a necessity to adjust to them, and realizing their impacts generally have both a beginning and an end. The chronology and durations of these seasons are immensely variable and individualized to be sure, but are very worthwhile of acknowledgement and reflection.
Like a tree, these seasons of life may be ones of great growth and rapid change, or ones where growth slows to more reflection, status quo, and sometimes even mere survival. Regardless, the tree remains a tree and by in large, grows taller and stronger in and through the seasons.
Recognizing all analogies break down at some point, we are not trees, yet our experiences and our status at any given point suggests there’s wisdom in self-awareness and insight regarding the season we are in, and the commensurate considerations it demands.
Let’s consider a few in the broadest of senses, relevant to the relationship scene we find ourselves.
Seasons of Life: Singleness
First let’s reflect on the season of singleness. Most would agree in this season of life, contrary to how we may have felt at the time, tends to be the most simple, where autonomy reigns supreme.
This does not imply a season absent of loneliness or struggle however, and most grow through this period yearning for or seeking someone who “gets them,” and seems to be a natural counterpart to their lives. In a sense, someone who makes them feel more complete, alive, and better for the presence and experiencing this other person.
This season is a natural evolution with many forces in play, from family of origin experiences, to the innate push and pull of hormones, as well as other biological and societal factors.
The season transitions when there are decisions made to invite and to allow yourself to be invited into someone else’s inner world. An encounter requiring both self-awareness and the ability to communicate with another effectively enough to reconcile unavoidable differences while establishing and understanding a common sense of values and goals in life.
Enter the next season of dating and perhaps eventual courtship with long-term partnership or marriage as the goal.
Seasons of Life: Courtships
Now let’s consider the dating and courtship season. As adults, as we seek someone to share ourselves and life experiences with, new considerations emerge informing the steps ahead. For example, this season requires a new level of transparency and vulnerability that stretches us emotionally, socially, and relationally.
This is a time we should seek to become reasonably adept interpersonal communicators.
Further, this season is when the presence or lack of previously-learned skills and emotional intelligence becomes most apparent. For most, default behaviors, expectations, roles, and messages are what we use in the early attempts at connection.
Done well, these connections toward emotional connectedness and intimacy can develop, as long as value systems are similar enough to sustain them. After all, this is a season of growth that requires both participants to hear one another, and regard each other well through a mutually sustained understanding, and a respect of boundaries and good will toward one another. Done authentically and honestly, regardless eventual outcome of dating relationships, growth can and should occur.
The flip side of course, is in the dating phase, gross uncorrected errors can rear their heads in miscommunications, poor self-awareness, and low humility, resulting in hurts and painful emotional outcomes.
Most in this courtship season should look inward to determine clear “red lines” regarding those they select to date. This requires a strong self-awareness and regard for their own personal boundaries, those most often closely related to personally intrinsic value systems.
Grossly divergent values systems are huge obstacles to sustainable, deepening relationships, and intimacy. In fact, most counselors will attest, couples with widely differing value systems are strong predictors of broken relationships, often sooner than later. So, in this season of dating and courtship, growing into self-awareness and interpersonal communication skills are king, and navigating this season well can help assure the best relationship outcomes.
Next, we’ll take a look at a season of long-term or life partnerships.
Seasons of Life: Long-Term Partnerships
Most people, regardless of past experiences, at least hope for the idea of finding and enjoying a long-term or life-long partnership with a special and exclusive someone.
In this season of life, adults have chosen ‘that special someone,’ enabling a new level of intimacy and deeper stages of love to emerge. Love evolves and deepens, transcending romance and passion, adding commitment-love and love-in-action, a verb if you will.
In many ways, this season could be better defined as a season of seasons, in which the only thing certain is change. Changes in roles, incomes, locales, family structures, physical health and aging, and more.
This is the season where the right groundwork in the dating and courtship season, pays dividends or costs the most. In fact, each partner must change together, staying personally connected as they go or grow, maintaining and exercising strong communication skills, including the ability to work through and manage conflict well.
As alluded to in the earlier dating season, these skills are bedrocks in working through this season of seasons together. Done well, learning as you go, and seeking help when needed, this can be a tremendously rewarding, enriching, and fulfilling season of life. The paradox is as couples work through stress and change in this season of life, they learn and grow the most in patience, love, and wisdom that serves them well into subsequent seasons of life.
Overtime Season
As we enter mid-life seasons and beyond, we can and should recognize our growths in perspective, what we consider priorities in life, and how we embrace and share wisdom.
As mentioned previously, in this Long-term season, we have the distinct privilege to pass these pearls along to our families and those who look up to us. These skills and lessons-learned are great gifts to impart to the younger generations to take into their own early stages of life, especially when seeking and choosing life partners of their own.
Embracing this stage can be done with great contentment, hoping to remain with our chosen partners with whom we’ve grown so much throughout the seasons, and as long as this life allows.
As we can see, like the trees, we experience ebbs and flows in the seasons, sometimes dry, blustery and cold, and others calm, refreshing and life-giving.
Regardless, through these variables, there remains great potential and opportunity for growth and maturity. Transitioning in and through these seasons should be embraced then, not solely as struggles and strife, but recognizing that we all grow best and most through challenges, if we so chose.
So, choose to embrace the season upon which you’ve lived or that you are in as a badge of honor and a gift, empowering these benefits to improve choices in relationships, perspectives and priorities in life.
