Dear Joshua,
Me loving you was not enough; I get that now. It took me a long time to settle into that reality and to face my short comings. I know that I didn’t do everything that I could have to make this relationship work, to actually work for us both.
I never meant you any harm or to hurt you.
I didn’t realize that relationships would be this hard, to take this much effort. My past relationships didn’t matter enough to me I guess, and I never really stressed about a loss, until ours. I’m hurt but realize that I am a big part of the problem, maybe even the cause.
I have never hurt this bad before and I’m still struggling to keep my sanity and to function at work some days. But others days I am more clear and level headed. Hopefully you are happy to hear that.
I’m rebounding now
Since our breakup I have been meeting with both a therapist and a relationship expert who have really helped me see what went wrong and why it probably failed for us. I didn’t know that coming from a broken home, would play that much into my actions or to shape my actions as much it has, and affecting how I act or react when I don’t get my way. I acted childish and am a bit ashamed of that now.
I have been told what healthy relationships look like and it is a reality check for me. I didn’t understand the give and take required, nor the supporting of one another and forgiveness and understanding that is necessary to have a balanced relationship.
I have been shown them now as well. I didn’t seek out the people that could actually guide me the right way before that had the healthy relationships, and that could show me a healthy way to fight that isn’t the end of the world each time we argued. I was scared that every disagreement was the end of us and you would walk away from me.
I have been spending a lot of my free time with my Aunt Amy and Uncle Johnny (initially at the request of my doctor) who as you know, have been married for 31 years. They raised a family and which Aunt Amy calls it tough but rewarding. They still have one daughter, my cousin Ashley left in college, who I have grown close to as well.
I am very appreciative that they have welcomed me and included me in their life. Seeing a family function like a family is such a great think when you get to experience it for the first time, in person and be part of it. That is something you had that I always envied.
From the rejection
I didn’t really understand why you were rejecting me and then finally rejected me “for now.”
Since I am a product of a broken home, and I didn’t really have a good role model as a wife, I didn’t know how to be that true partner that you needed. Uncle Johnny has showed me the love I missed from my dad. He is an amazing man. I think he has filled that hole I didn’t even know about, that I now believe I was trying to get you to fill for me. It was unfair to you that I was trying to make you act more of a parent than a husband to me.
It wasn’t fair to you that I forced you to take care of me when I was acting up.
Moving forward
I’m still broken a bit and am trying to fix it, and recognize I don’t have the right coping mechanisms that I need as well. When you left I changed my hair, my clothes, everything that I could think of and didn’t know why I was doing it. It was a coping mechanism that didn’t help. Only facing reality helps.
I clung on to you harder when I was acting crazy and you just needed space from me. I didn’t give you the chance to pull back to where you were comfortable. It was truly acting out of my own fears, and particularly the fear of rejection.
Its cliché but not having a father figure growing up, means that I have a cycle of trying to make something work that didn’t or doesn’t, out of a sense of something missing from my childhood and having a father that loves me.
My Mom, to her credit was both a mother and father to me growing up, but she also bad mouths men in general which is not helpful for healthy adult relationships between women and men. It has been a long time since she had a partner and she doesn’t know what she is doing or how to help. So I know I didn’t treat you right and neither did she. I’m sorry.
Again, the doctor is helping me to gain the understanding and the ability to react appropriately and to love appropriately.
I tried to force my way into making it work for me, instead of doing what was necessary for us and for you.
I’m now doing the work and hope that you can understand and one day forgive me. I do love you and want you to know that I am becoming a better person. I need to be someone that I respect myself first, which I am working on.
I’m still loving, but not quite as crazy as you would remember. 🙂
I know that you have moved on and are probably happy. I simply wanted you to know how much I appreciated you and that I still love you. I just want the best for you and hope that one day you can forgive me for not being the bigger person and not being the wife that you needed.
My love always.
Sincerely,
Charlotte
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