In modern marriages among heterosexual couples many end in divorce. For couples who are both college educated, also many end in divorce. In divorce, women face greater financial burdens, than men do following the divorce. As women, this is due to decreased income and being the primary or sole responsible party in caring for children.
The question introduced by ScienceDirect in its study, asks “Why, then, do these women initiate divorce more, and fare better psychologically after a divorce than men?”
It is widely agreed that women initiate divorce at estimated rates between 68-80% of the time vs. the men. i.e., nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, according to a 2015 research study conducted by the American Sociological Association (ASA), and this percentage has increased since this time. People always have regrets, both men and women. Following divorces among women in today’s Western Culture, it is also estimated that women only regret the divorce at a rate of approximated 27-32%. So why the from a woman’s perspective on divorce and dating, do women initiate divorce and fare better?
Challenges to Gender Norms
The answer lies somewhere in the realm of how partners do, or do not meet their emotional needs in marriage, or range to far more complicated reasons. As women gain a stronger foothold on financial independence, gender roles become more complicated. Women gaining financial independence, also means more marital conflict happens as a natural occurrence. Women are no longer financially bound to remain in abusive relationships or with conflicted partnerships where their needs or desires are not being met.
Some believe that marriage as an institution has not kept pace with the expectations of gender equality. Within these heterosexual, educated marriage today, gender roles are still affected by past traditions. Wives still are required to do the bulk of housework and child rearing.
Due to these and similar factors, such as women not feeling supported in the careers by their partners, women tend to initiate divorces at a greater and greater scale. Happiness is subjective of course, and the long-term success of the psychology is dependent upon many factors.
Society Today has Changed Drastically
Fewer women need to depend on men in this day and age. This may be due to financial needs, where there is either a lesser interdependence, or no true interdependence. As an increasing number of women today out earn their husbands. This is where some of the problem comes in for a lot of women, many, if not most, desire a partner who is wealthy and is professionally more successful than they are. Women who have scaled up, tend to want men in higher success brackets.
Hypergamy, a real phenomenon that drives female mating behavior, is the evolved female instinct to desire male sex or dating partners of a higher socio-economic class, income level, and/or resource potential.
In fact, the practice of hypergamy has been around for as long as women and men have engaged with each other in social interactions that have evolved into modern dating and marriage. “The phenomenon of women seeking partners of higher financial means and/or status, to achieve primarily economic security, but also upward social mobility, has been around for centuries,” says Dr. Natasha Sharma, founder of The 8-Hour Therapist program and author of The Kindness Journal.”
Men’s version of hypergamy is not typically financial based, but more finding the hottest, youngest woman they can get.
Also true is that the traditions of women doing housework and child rearing has been impacted by woman with professional career interests. According to Psychology Today, “Having to do household chores and take care of children, on top of a job outside the home, significantly adds to women’s workload. It increases stress and reduces their well-being, relationship satisfaction, and sexual desire for their romantic partner.”
What is Next?
According to Pew Research, although both men and women are likely to date, during, or after a divorce, men are far more likely to remarry. Per the study, this is in part due to women being less interested in remarrying than men as, 54% said in a 2014 Pew Research Center survey that they did not want to marry again, compared with 30% of men.
When dating after a divorce, there are unexpected benefits like the freedom to try new things, how you want to and when you want to. This of course comes from being single and having a willingness to put yourself out there. Women have a new found wisdom of knowing what to look for or who they are interested in, when seeking a partner. Freedom and wisdom are great benefits for finding your fun.
Don’t forget the best part, the excitement of finding that new love again.
Have Confidence in Yourself and Try Something Different
Take care of yourself and your needs, and take your time to learn things about yourself and why you may attract certain partners. Like they say, knowledge is power. Understanding who you are, what your strengths are and what your interests are, makes you more attractive. Confidence is attractive to both men and women.
Dating can be an adventure. Doing it according to your own plan, in your own timeline and the way you want is much easier when you have the confidence in knowing yourself. Understanding your own values, needs and interests, helps to understand your truth. According to the Stanford Encyclopedia of Psychology, self-knowledge refers to knowledge of one’s own sensations, thoughts, beliefs, and other mental states. Knowing yourself helps to reduce doubts, builds self-confidence and opens you up to expressing yourself more freely.
Many women have gone from relationship to relationship and didn’t do a lot of dating. Be open to starting something new, or even playing the field if that is your thing.
Don’t be afraid to seek out something new and different if that is your desire. Date without having to worry about what someone else wants you to do or not do. Don’t be afraid to take on online dating or seeking out men of different caliber or character than your past relationships. Try something you have never done before, like an adventure or a trip to an exotic place.
Consider what you really would like and try out other cultures. Maybe even date outside of your race if you haven’t done so before. The Pew Research study references an increase in intermarriage, “Among both Gen Zers and Millennials, 53% say people of different races marrying each other is a good thing for our society, compared with 41% of Gen Xers, 30% of Boomers and 20% of those in the Silent Generation, according to the Center’s 2019 report.”
The Bottom line
Do what makes you happy. Try out different things, date different men if you see fit and find yourself. Figure out what you want that next chapter to be, and go for it. Looking to you past for answers is important in knowing where you were, how you acted and how you wish things would have been different. Use that information to make a better path. Choose a road only you can travel.
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