Yellow Cards and Red Flags – The eX Files
For my eX files post, let’s call her Holli.
For the most part she was happy go lucky as well as personable. She is a Christian woman that gets along well with most people, well, especially men. Which in hindsight should have been a red flag for me. I just didn’t know better that this could be a problem for me. I probably missed a lot of red flags.
My ex was pretty, tall at 5ft 8 inches, very athletic, and at 45 years old didn’t have any children. At 45 with no children, I am now told this is another red flag that I should have been aware of.
I don’t really go around and speak ill of anyone, and will try not to do so here, as much as possible. I see our failed relationship as part my fault for not knowing about her, as she is a type – I’m now told. And me for not really knowing what I wanted out of my future. The latter I’m not trying to discount, but that is not what this story is about.
For the Love of Sports
I met her online and thought she was interesting and attractive. She had a lot of interests and was always on the go, which was refreshing since I met her during the COVID pandemic. She regularly played soccer and softball in order to keep active. No, I know what you might be thinking, she was straight.
We bonded through our shared interests in fitness, athletics and sex. We had a large group of friends that when I think back on it, most of them were hers before we met.
She was active in intermural sports and, as I was new to San Antonio didn’t have a lot of connections in town. So I followed her into her activities and quickly made friends there as well. It’s not that I didn’t have experience in these sports, I enjoy soccer, and it’s just that I didn’t have the connections that she had.
I have read recently that if a woman has male friends, it is the rare occasion that when the guy and girl are talking, that it is strictly platonic. Even if she’s not interested in him, he’s probably interested in her — and then she likes having that validation.
They also say that if a woman has male friends, that she is displaying a type that has one foot out the door. In hindsight once again, this seems like a truth I was unaware of.
I think it may be more the fact that she has mostly male friends. She is one of the guys in a way. If she weren’t so damn beautiful you might be fooled.
It’s more of a mentality that she is so casual and laid back at times, and is more rational or logical than most women who are ruled by emotion. She has the ability to outwork most people and could logic her way around an argument better than most men can. I count myself as a strong masculine male, but I guess she made me feel a little emasculated at times. It was hard to confront that truth.
I broke up with her. We did break up for one specific reason but I didn’t break up with her because she may have been a better man than me. I wasn’t insecure in who I am or was at the time, again in hindsight I just didn’t like who I was with her. I didn’t feel like I was in the lead.
The Soccer Tournament
We were part of a big intramural soccer league that we played on. At times, a team may have been unable to field a team, and because of the lack of players a game could be called off. In this case, and if the other team has excess players, they could lend them to the other team in able to field a full complement of teammates.
On Saturday, the team we were playing showed up and was two people short, so I volunteered along with a Stacy, female friend of ours, to join the other team.
They didn’t have a lot of great athletes and it became apparent that it was a major gain for them to have me and Stacy join them. They didn’t have a strong leader so I took charge getting everyone in place and directing them a bit on the field. Stacy also was one of the better athletes and was very competitive herself.
Stacy and I had a flirtatious friendship for which Holli had never verbally protested or even mentioned bothered her. But when given the chance to compete against Stacy, Holli put it on her.
She pressed her and hounded her the entire game. She trash talked her and dominated her throughout the game. It was a sight to see. She never mentioned anything directly, before, during or even right after, but Stacy told me that she quickly became aware of what it meant to be under siege.
Holli also turned her aggression out on me. She was professional and a sportsman about it, but gave it her all and left nothing on the field. Fortunately I’m faster and stronger, but she gave me a run for my money on the field. She wasn’t too dirty, but at times she should have gotten at least a yellow card for her aggression.
I was surprised by her antics. I thought that she may have had some pent-up hostility, but this was ridiculous for a friendly Saturday game that was not a professional league with no consequences for winning or losing. I held my frustration as I treated it as a friendly game. It just seemed personal from her perspective and I felt a bit disrespected by her.
The Aftermath
That evening while having dinner, I mentioned the game and how fun it was. It was a little passive aggressive of me, but I thought we needed to discuss what occurred.
She didn’t hesitate and she said it was great to finally knock me and Stacy down a peg or two. At first I thought she was just kidding and flirting with me, but she was actually serious.
She said she felt that I had it coming, and she was the one to do it. She also said that Stacy had disrespected her before, and deserved to know who was the alpha female boss on the field of play.
I was a little shocked and taken aback, as I thought it was a friendly game and we were all just competitive. I didn’t really get all of the hostility as she was my girlfriend after all. She then elaborated.
She said that it was her field and her group of friends and that I was imposing. She said she didn’t like that I was encroaching on her time to play the game that she loved with the people that she adored.
Here all of this time she was resentful, but unable and I’ll add, unwilling to express it. Red Flag.
To me it was just one activity that we could do together, that allowed us both have fun and to be athletic and outside. I thought that it had brought us closer to have that physical stimulation.
The Resentment and the Reveal
She also said that her friends had to be hers only for now on, and that I should just step aside. Then she let it seep out.
She said that Mario didn’t like me. He didn’t want to hang out with us if I was there. She said that she and Mario had been friends for years and that I shouldn’t try to be friends with him. I thought she was choosing him over me, and it turns out there was more to it, of course.
This was the one red flag that I did recognize, and this was the revelation. She was possessive, not of just soccer, not just the group, but of Mario himself.
I was hurt that she took this stance, especially about Mario. Red Flag.
Not being one to let things go, I pressed her on her relationship with Mario.
It turns out that they had dated in the past. She had simply failed to mention this, to have her tell it. She was just hiding it from me. Red Flag.
To me she purposely didn’t mention it and she had probably joined the team because he was a member. I asked her point blank but she denied it. But it was obvious at this point.
She was trying to make him jealous by bringing me there in the first place, and it got out of control when I actually fit in and was competitive among the good athletes on the team. Some of the guys and girls became my friends. They were the one thing about it that I missed after I broke up with her.
We then had a serious discussion and she revealed her past with Mario and that she had chased him since college. She said that she wasn’t having an affair, and I actually believed that she wasn’t actively having an affair with him at this time. She probably did before, or at least hooked up with him.
Either way, she was having an emotional relationship with him, which I could not get past. She was clearly not over him. I resented that she used me in this way, and was not honest with me. I really felt used by her.
I broke up with her on the spot… It was clear that she was really checked out of our relationship anyway. If it ever was a relationship.
Fortunately, I didn’t feel like I had invested that much time and count myself lucky for finding out about her before we took it too far and had a long relationship. I feel like I averted the sting of the relationship dragging out and then getting hurt later.
I should have paid closer attention to the red flags.
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