I recently came across a video by Pastor RC Blakes, Jr., entitled, WISDOM FOR WOMEN DATING AFTER 40, from his Cyber Church.
To put it simply and straight forward. This Video Offers Terrible Advice! Just Terrible! It is a recipe for 40 plus Women remaining single and not finding a man and not gaining a happy relationship.
There are elements of truth and good advice here, but the good advice is overwhelmed by bad advice and overall messaging. The sheer amount of terrible advice in this video is shocking. This man has what is referred to as SIMP tendencies, and believes he needs to serve the women in his life. He essentially tells women to remain independent. In this video, he peppers in good advice with dangerously bad advice.
Mr. Blakes misses a key point between men and women that cannot be overlooked. You shouldn’t put her on a pedestal. ‘If you treat her like a celebrity. She’ll treat you like a fan.’ If a man idolizes her, she will treat him like someone that should be honoring her, without honoring him back.
Dangerously Bad Advice for Women Dating over 40, by the Numbers:
- He said: Never let yourself date out of need. Don’t find yourself on a dating scene because you think you or feel like you need a man. A misogynistic culture would say that to be valuable, you need a man.
He thinks dating out of need is a set up for massive abuse.
This is a bad message to send to women. A woman’s purpose is to be connected to a man… to be his helpmate, tied to his hip. It’s not to say that you would approach a relationship out of desperation. But the need is there in a natural way. God made woman from man, to symbolize the womb and come from the rib and side of man, under the cover of his arm.
Per Webster’s 1828 dictionary: definition of Womb-man
The female of the human race, grown to adult years.
And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from the man, made he a woman. Gen 2.
Women are soft, mild, pitiful, and flexible.
We see every day women perish with infamy, by having been too willing to set their beauty to show.
I have observed among all nations that the women ornament themselves more than the men; that wherever found, they are the same kind, civil, obliging, humane, tender beings, inclined to be gay and cheerful, timorous and modest.
WOMAN, v.t To make pliant.
Of course some believe that the word woman comes from wifman or wife of man and they derived woman from that statement in shortcut fashion. So, either or neither could be true.
It’s okay to date out of need! It’s just a dangerous fact to tell a woman she shouldn’t need a man. Men and women are made to be together. Find a good one not a bad one that opens yourself to abuse of course, but find one good one. You shouldn’t be alone, you shouldn’t be uncovered.
He says that dating and desperation is a bad combination, which I agree with. But to ignore a sense of need in dating and of having a relationship is a bad message overall.
a. He says to Not depend upon a man, to be in a good place and be consistent. If you need a therapist, you are not ready and need to work through your issues. Not to depend upon a man for your lifeline. Since many women today are doing better financially than they guys they meet. If you are dating out of need, it may be a bank robbery.”
It’s true that you need to be in a healthy mindset and have good values. You can, however, get right with life by aligning yourself with a good man. Sometimes it takes a good leader and good follower for a good relationship to flourish.
If you are not in the right consistent place in your life, you might just choose to follow someone worth following now, rather than spend countless hours trying to get yourself right first. It’s okay to follow sometimes without questioning everything. You can get your head right by being with someone in a good place that is consistent themselves.
b. He says: Dating is not equivalent to a sexual relationship. It’s called adultery or fornication. Dating should be where two souls come together to explore the souls of each other, to see if they are compatible and if they can find a future together. If they can’t, maybe the relationship is built just for companionship.
He says: Dating is not a sexual relationship; you have to get that straight in your head as a woman. He believes that some woman feels obligated to give a man sex, because he took you out 2 or 3 times and you’re exclusive now. He suggests that you don’t lie down in a bed with every man you say you are dating.
Well, again there are some good elements of truth and value here, but overall the message is flawed. If you find yourself dating a man and don’t have sex at some point, you are using that man.
A good rule of thumb is to not agree to a second or maybe third date if you don’t have any sexual chemistry with that man and don’t intend to sleep with him. Don’t waste each other’s time or resources.
You are not a virgin; don’t act like what you have is so valuable. Sex is a regular part of a relationship and the very thing that makes a man feel close to you, its inherent in his biology. If you are not having sex with someone that is interested in you and you are interested in, then you are not in a healthy heterosexual relationship. You are single, you should be looking for a relationship and that includes sex, you’re not in your early 20s anymore.
c. He says having sex with a man you are dating will be emotionally traumatizing when you wake up and realize who you are and know your worth. You realize how little you gave your value away for.
He thinks your value is between your legs and at 40+ you should hold on to some past virginity that no longer exists. He can’t believe that you would give someone sex for dating them. He implies that he means not to have sex with everyone or give it away so freely. But if you are in a committed relationship, it is a normal part of life and he doesn’t say that.
Every woman has the same thing between their legs, to have it is not special. Its special to share it with someone special.
d. He says: You are not serving your purpose. A woman’s purpose is all-fulfilling. Be married to your purpose. He thinks it’s a woman who can take it or leave it (meaning to have or not have a relationship or not have man) that are in the right mindset. “If a good situation comes along great, if not you’re still cool.” You need to find room for a man to fit into your life.
You must be careful to understand your purpose. Your purpose is not your job, it’s not your career or your church. As a woman, your purpose is man or a man. It is not all of those other things or a combination of all of those other things, it is not all-fulfilling. Don’t put yourself into a situation where you are too good for most men, and can’t find one that meets your high standards. Don’t buy into the idea that all is well and you are good either way. That sends a terrible message and could leave you alone for life.
Men want a woman that wants a man. If a woman wants a man she is in her femininity, which is attractive to men. If she is of the mind that she doesn’t need a man, then she is in her masculine and men will find her attractive for sex, but not a relationship.
If you have a man that is worthy, you need to fit into his life. It is not the other way around, and he has to follow all of your comings and goings. If you want a particular man, you need to pair up to him and follow his lead.
- He said: Never hide yourself to make a man comfortable. At this point you have hit the wall, or are over the hill, which is BS. Someone is going to love you for you. You hide your age; I don’t know why you would want to or have to do that. My wife never hides her age. If you have accomplished some things, you hide your accomplishments. If you are well educated you dumb yourself down. Because society says these are the things you need to do to make a man comfortable.
It is true that you should be genuine. You have to be yourself and not present yourself as something else. Someone will love you for who you are. You shouldn’t have to hide your age, education, or accomplishments, all true statements. But your relationship shouldn’t be about your education or your accomplishments. Men respect beauty, nurturing, and a caring, peaceful nature, not all of those other things. Men like youthful beauty, it’s a preference for most men. It is what it is.
a. He said: Let me stop you right there, you don’t have to make a man comfortable. It’s not your job to make a man comfortable. It is his job to make you comfortable.
Wrong again. More dangerously bad advice. It isn’t a man’s job to make you comfortable. It may be, or probably is, his job to provide you security. A comforting nature is what a woman provides a family, a man and their children.
b. He said: You start with the wrong mindset if you are hiding yourself. You might be doing it if you feel like a certain man, or just about any man is better than no man at all. Then he says, you are dealing with a man that is beneath you in a whole lot of ways. You have to diminish yourself, dumb yourself down. Hide your true value, so the dude can feel comfortable.
Again you shouldn’t hide yourself or who you are. You shouldn’t dumb yourself down to be with a man, I agree with him there. If he isn’t as accomplished in business as you, it doesn’t however, make him beneath you. A rich successful man might marry a waitress. It doesn’t make her beneath him. It takes some finesse to be able to separate your work life from your home life.
It can be difficult to be the boss at work and submissive at least at some level at home. The amount of effort it took for you to be educated and or successful, shows that you have the ability to learn and can put in the effort to work out these kind of issues in your home with your man. Put in the time. You can still respect him if you are more successful financially.
In some communities this is becoming a larger and larger problem, women in business are outpacing the men. Again, if you can separate business and family this shouldn’t be an issue.
c. He said: If he isn’t man enough to deal with all that you are- let bygones be bygones. Your age, your accomplishment, your mistakes, your children. Don’t deal with a man who isn’t enough to accommodate you. Never hide yourself to make a man more comfortable.
A man shouldn’t have to deal with someone who puts their accomplishment ahead of a relationship. A man isn’t responsible for your children if he isn’t their father, not financially or otherwise. Yes, don’t hide who you are to try to make him more comfortable, but then don’t make demands that he respects your business accomplishments- they don’t matter to the relationship. He should not have to cater to your children. He should meet the relationship you, not the businesswoman you might be.
d. He said, If you need a man, you don’t need a man.
There is nothing wrong with needing something. There is nothing wrong with needing a man. This is just bad advice, hands down. Not all women have the security they need. Their masculine nature keeps them from needing a man. A feminine woman needs a man and because of it, they will come.
- He says: Be aware of masculine feminine energy. We live in a world where the masculine energy of a man and feminine energy of a woman has become so confused that we have feminine men and masculine women. Not masculine women by her sexual preference. Masculine women can be feminine in terms of their dress code, their mannerisms, or what have you. You can have all of that and still have masculine energy.
Good advice initially, this awareness is important. As men are not attracted to masculine energy for mating.
a. He says: Society or life put you in the position where you to have to shoulder the load. You didn’t ask for this; it’s just what life threw at you.
It’s true, that you may not have asked to shoulder the burdens of life. Or it could also be true that maybe you didn’t accept a man because he didn’t fit your ideal image and therefore you are alone. Because you are alone, you have to shoulder the burdens and have masculine energy as a result. His assumption that it is never a woman’s fault is just misleading.
b. He said: You deal with men who are feminine who refused to do what is necessary, like protect you when there is a bump in the night. You kept them around for some reason and are owning the masculine energy.
Feminine men are not good candidates for marriage. You won’t respect a man that you have to lead. Agree, I’m not sure why you would keep one around.
c. He complains about meeting feminine men and dating them and wonders why there is problems. He properly says for women to tone down their masculine energy. He says let the man be the man. But then he says the masculine man should spend his last dime making sure the woman is comfortable.
A man should not have to spend his last dime making you comfortable. He should not have to shell out, just to have a woman. It’s simply bad advice. A SIMP is the one who feels he has to do anything and everything for a woman, and spend his last dime trying to make her happy. Women don’t respect these types of men. She might hang around with him because he is shelling out the money.
- He says: Make your intentions clear. I’m not desperate, but I’m looking for a husband. Don’t waste 2 or 3 years. You may have not made your intentions clear or asked his. Maybe he didn’t and doesn’t want to get married and you just wasted your time on someone who never wanted to get married.
“You gotta be clear,” agreed. Don’t waste your time because you cannot communicate your desires or ask his intentions. As a woman, time is not on your side.
- He says: Call a thing a thing. Don’t try to make a husband out of a clown. A clown has stolen someone’s crown. If he is not it, then he is not it. Not judging on superficial things. You have to have someone who commands your respect.
Nothing dangerous here. He was right on for number 5.
a. He says: Can’t continue to take on people or things that are projects. He is cute and fine, but the wrong one, with no critical thought in his head.
Agreed don’t take on someone that isn’t the right fit. This is not the time to explore your booty calls. It is woman’s nature to seek out a masculine male. But he has to be more than that, you aren’t young anymore, so you need a full package or someone with the right mentality as well. At the right level of fit for you.
Ask a male friend what he thinks, check with you Dad, your pastor, someone who is a father figure to you regarding what is appropriate.
- He says: Ask your man grown type of questions. Ask about politics. Ask questions that reveals a man’s level. A man has to intrigue you emotionally. You need more than sexually. A man should be deep enough to add to your conversations.
a. He says: You might disrespect a man who cannot meet you on your intellectual equivalence.
This could be true, but this is really a part of a bigger picture. And that is, a woman has to respect the man she is with. Her love is respect driven. Everything a man does, or is about, is judged on a respect level.
b. He says: Don’t bypass a man that is your equivalent intellectually because he may not be at your standard of handsomeness. Even if he is a five or six.
Women don’t pick men on their intellect or their intellect alone. They pick them on their prowess, the most or highest male stature that they can get. This is how confident the men are, or how assertive they are.
Women may go for the smart or intellectual equivalent of themselves or superior to themselves, but only if they have other characteristics like being seen by their peers as successful. Don’t just look for and settle for an intellect. This doesn’t get the juices flowing.
Extra: He said of Age Gap dating. Approach with your eyes wide open. You probably can’t get a younger man to marry you. What is he attracted to? You need someone who can speak your language and at your point in time.
He is right on this point also.
Conclusion:
Overall this is a mixed bag of elements of truth, some good advice here, but overwhelmed by the bad advice and overall messaging that come through a SIMP-like lens. So again, the amount of terrible advice in here will do more harm than good.
