Human Nature in Relationships and Mating
Healthy relationships are what we all are seeking. Finding that special someone can be tricky and difficult. The process of finding the right one seems daunting if you are trying so hard to find just the right fit. From a matching perspective, it is very hard to come up with a formula for creating that connection and one with a lasting future.
It is hard to understanding human nature in relationship and mating, point blank. In this article we explore what works and what doesn’t work, and uncover some secrets from experts that may just open your mind to what is happening and to other possibilities.
In general, women are attracted to men who meet their potential. Men are attracted to beauty and health. But, there is much more to making a meaningful connection.
Human Nature in Relationships and Mating
As humans we gravitate to relationships that mirror the relationship we had with our parents.
It’s important to understand that a better relationship and mating experience comes through understanding your potential partner’s personal history. i.e., geographical, familial, emotional, marital, financial, etc.
- If you matched two people who grew up in the same area (even when those people no longer live there), they automatically have things in common. Restaurants they used to go to, fairs and festivals that were local to them, and of course sports teams.
- If we match people who have a large number of siblings, they automatically have a similar experience of being raised in a large household.
- if we match people who are children of divorce at a young age, they will most likely very much have in common similar upbringings.
- If we match people based on religion, they already have their faith in common.
So, it’s important to understand that culture (i.e., culture, habits, customs and societal mores) has a lot to do with who one is looking to “couple-up” with. It’s human nature to gravitate to the familiar and to one’s comfort zone.
Most people have a “type,” that is, someone who meets their ideal vision, whatever it is, like: tall, dark and handsome…and from a good mid-western family… and with a Harvard education, etc. But, some say that is also limiting and one should be willing to expand their vision of the perfect mate.
What if you keep dating the wrong “type” over and over again?
One’s comfort zone is largely shaped by:
- Desire (attraction, chemistry, etc.), and
- Culture, your societal mores, personal norms, past experiences, and desired sophistication or class level. Holding onto a veritable laundry list of ‘deal-breakers’ also holds people back.
When looking for a relationship, one should look for potential instead of perfection. Getting out of the comfort zone allows one to shirk the standards, past experiences, past issues (baggage), etc. from an ex-relationship, and not bring them to a future relationship.
In order to understand what works in a relationship, let’s look at the opposite perspective and why people split up and divorce.
Divorce Attorney’s Perspective on Marriage
Per James Sexton, a divorce attorney in New York City. His books, How To Stay In Love: Practical Advice From An Unexpected Source and If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide To Staying Together, help define love and marriage.
According to James Sexton, marriage was created in 200 BC when the average life expectancy was 18 years. Many women died in childbirth at a very early age. Marriage was originally created for land ownership. It’s a Government contract. A legal status.
He says that 56% of marriages end in divorce today. An additional set of married couples, about 20%, stay together for the kids or because they don’t want to give away half of their assets. Adding these together equals 76% of marriages as failures. According to Sexton, “marriage fits the legal definition of negligence or negligent behavior.” Note: Second time divorce rates are 62%, third time marriages are 73%. But California divorce rate is 75% for first marriages.
Sexton says, “In law, negligence is defined by what you lose by not doing something, is lower that the risk of harm. It’s called a Burden Probability and Loss (BPL) analysis. The burden of not doing a thing is lower than the likelihood or probability of harm.” i.e., a breach of the duty of care to the plaintiff –
Or known as the Learned Hand formula according to which Liability turns on the relation between investment in precaution Burden (B) and the product of Probability (P) and magnitude Loss (L) in harm (measured in $). The (B=PL) calculation is high. If B < PL, then the defendant breached the duty of care.
Note: Damages equal the reasonable burden divided by the reduction in the probability of harm that it causes, or L=B/P
Sexton says, “Marriage is like owning a Lion. The likelihood of someone being seriously harmed by this is high.”
He says, Love and Marriages are not really correlated activities. “There should be a distinction between pair bonds and marriage. Pair bonds are something different altogether, they are a social construct based upon connection, not legal representation. You learn more about yourself from someone else, it could be a friendship or a marriage. Someone around you who sees your blind spots. Pair bonds don’t need to be a romantic partner, but in a loving relationship, pair bonds and love are wonderful together.”
84% of people who are divorced, are then remarried within 5 years of their divorce.
Sexton says, marriage is a culture. The expectations of marriage include: your partner should be the best friend, best roommate, best co-parent, best travel partner, best activity partner, best everything, your soul mate… it is way too much to expect. How would one person do all of those things?
Some believe they are entitled to a person that fits all of these “best -roles,” and also add in more roles, like they have to have the best body. This is unachievable in any reality, and therefore, you have a recipe for disaster as no single person can possibly fulfil these requirements.
So, let’s look at what are the actual reasons there are issues in relationships and common causes for divorce.
Common Causes of Relationship Issues and Divorce are:
- Expectations are way too high:
In looking for a mate and having too many requirements, you could disqualify good possible mates if they don’t check every box that you have laid out. If your expectations are too high, you’re setting your partner up to fail, and both of you will feel ashamed as a result.
Some say that the traditional gender roles are harming even the least modern relationship today. Men are still expected to bring home the money and make more than his woman. Is she cooking, cleaning and raising the kids? These roles don’t specifically fit a modern relationship with two working individual or if married, parents. But there is underlying or unspoken expectation that may still exist and these rules have to be discussed and be more flexible today.
According to the Relationship Suite, expectations can hurt self-esteem,” If you’re on the receiving end of your partner’s high expectations, constantly missing the mark can lead to resentment.”
According to Sexton, “the reasons for divorce are the symptoms of the problem. The cheating, the gambling, etc. are symptoms, the cause is lack of intimacy or disconnections.”
- The Most Common Causes of Divorce in Divorce Court are:
- Adultery (cheating in relationships)- Sexton says of Adultery (cheating), that, the viewpoint is interesting today, judges don’t punish it as hard as they once did. People aren’t tolerating cheating as much as before also. Society has conditioned women to leave if there is infidelity today, there was once a period of working through infidelity in a marriage, but it is quickly not tolerated today.
- Irreconcilable Differences – Sexton says of Irreconcilable differences- these could be absolutely anything. e.g., I’m tired. I don’t like the way you communicate. I don’t like the way you do this or that. Or I feel like we’ve grown apart.
- General Intolerance – Tolerance for adultery is not the only area where intolerance has grown. Intolerance for much is the state of today, for just about any reason, at alarmingly high rates, people are giving up. These general intolerances can be just about anything, but typically fall under the following subjects:
- Sex and intimacy or lack there of
- Money or lack thereof and how it is or isn’t spent
- Poor communications, lack of communications, or putting up barriers to communications
- Lack of Trust
- Past experiences and/or trauma
- Stress and life transitions
- Other behavioral factors like disrespect, defensiveness, and criticism
Well if traditional marriages are a mess, how about arranged marriages?
Arranged Marriages
Why is it that arranged marriages have a better success rate? The US has somewhere around a 4% Divorce Rate with arranged marriages. Per Kelly Berton Rocco, Orthodox Jews in America have a divorce rate of about 7%.
In India where 90% of marriages are arrange, they only experience a 1.1% divorce rate. There is a difference between an arranged and a forced marriage. Up to 80% of the marriages in Afghanistan are forced. A majority of the marriages in India, however, are arranged where refusal is possible.
You cannot rely solely on the romantic feelings you have for a prospective or potential partner in order to make smarter choices in love.
In arranged marriages, the participants have shared meaning and purpose and a balance of values. When two people come from similar backgrounds they have a higher rate of them becoming successful in a relationship, because they understand each other norms and values in a way nobody else can. You understand the pathology in actions and treatment of one another, as it isn’t foreign to you.
In arranged marriages, two parents will choose someone who is similar to them. They have children who have been raised relatively similarly. So those people, when they get together, tend to have shared norms and values. There is an element of unspoken understanding that doesn’t exist when two people from the outside world meet each other randomly.
Per Meredith Haberfield of CodeHer, “Many people, including myself, have been taught to believe that arranged marriages are sad and loveless relationships. However, this stereotype of arranged marriage is being dispelled by many women who have been sharing their stories about their own arranged marriages and how they came to be. In the past, arranged marriages were more formal and had less room for negotiation, but modern arranged marriages are more flexible, with parents and other family members not as involved as they once were in the process.”
We not saying that I believe that arranged marriages are going to be all the rage in the US anytime soon. We merely wanted to point out why these are experienced as being a better success rate. This really just boils down to commitment and a shared sense of duty and attention.
To be committed means to reiterate the importance placed upon a relationship, and you must be committed and have a deep desire to be a part of one.
Emotions Driving Relationships
When it comes to dating, many people think of their emotions like a compass for navigating love and romance, and emotions often play the primary role in decision making and behavior, not just human nature in relationships and mating. Emotions are strong can be both a positive and a negative to the nature of relationships. Love and emotions affect relationship and these allow or disallow things to ebb and flow based upon actions that could derail the relationship. If you have one foot out the door to start, it is easier to pull out the second one.
Again, there are many dimensions to relationships and marriage. There are often many, many variables to compatibility in love and relationships, and feelings are merely a part of a much larger picture. When looking at arranged marriages, these make it known to us that a lot of issues can be overcome if you prioritize the relationship. This is true of any relationship.
So finding the special someone and understanding human nature in mating and relationship go hand in hand. You have to both let nature takes its course and also understand the nature of people and the impact that societal norms and culture have on relationships. For relationships to survive, having that shared meaning and purpose, and a balance of values and commitment to that is important.
Conclusion
Therefore, in this author’s opinion, human nature in relationships and mating aren’t really the issue, per se, it is the emotional and societal expectations that impact relationships. Left to human nature, people will connect, but it’s the societal requirements, the excessive needs, and the higher than achievable expectations that impact relationships and staying together.
Some say there is a need for a cultural revolution that stresses the reinvigoration of marriage, celebrates monogamy, and prioritizes healthy and stable relationships. Sexton himself predicts the pendulum will swing the other way, in a big way, and we will see a big resurgence on traditional marriages heavily in religious context.
We may just see a resurgence of relationships and marriages in our lifetimes. It’s hard to imagine it getting worse. These new relationships very well could be rooted in one’s religion, as people figure out, what they are doing isn’t working.
A successful relationship and marriage starts and end with a with a commitment to being committed.
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