Last fall I got to know a really great guy. I’ll call him IDWAC, because, as he said to me repeatedly, “ I Don’t Want a Commitment.”
IDWAC and I started off as friends. We hung out in the same circles and got to know each other over the course of about a month.
Then that first kiss happened. He took my breath away…
The next night I told him that I don’t date men in my circle. It gets messy and uncomfortable which is why I avoid it. He said he didn’t either. Then he asked how we should handle it. My suggestion was that we keep it open and honest, and talk. I told him I don’t have a problem with him dating other women, just don’t do it in my circle.
He’s a handsome man, and a super nice person too. He’s definitely a catch, and I was willing to hang around while he figured out what he wanted, knowing full well it may not be me.
I still had the other guy after all…
I took a causal approach
I had no problem with him not wanting a commitment. I get that he’s freshly divorced. I get that he wants to play the field. No problem. I liked him and enjoyed him.
I was also dating another person at the time. I kept dating the other guy to keep IDWAC in perspective. Otherwise I would project all of my energy on IDWAC, and that wouldn’t be a good thing when the goal was to keep things light, open and free.
The other guy was sweet, but he also lived an hour away, which for me is a relationship killer. My love languages are touch and quality time, and distance is not good for either of those. He was great to keep in my head while I was also seeing IDWAC. The other guy kept me from getting too close to IDWAC.
Just about every time IDWAC and I would go out he’d remind me… “I don’t want a commitment. I don’t want a commitment.”
To which I consistently replied, “I know. I date other people to keep you in perspective.”
We didn’t see each other every day. That was a good thing. He also participated in a Tuesday night game that I attended, but only once because they needed another woman to play or they would have to forfeit. So, I went – IDWAC was excited to have me there 🙂
It was a fun evening that we spent talking and getting to know each other some more. He once again reminded me that he didn’t want a commitment, and I once again reminded him that I know…
Beginning to Boil
Our relationship continued to grow. We chatted every day, and I started to consider ending things with the other guy. That is, until IDWAC would remind me that he didn’t want a commitment.
A couple of weeks later we spent a great afternoon hiking around the lake near his home. We went out to dinner and then back to his place. I asked him if he wanted me to spend the night or if he was more comfortable if I went home.
He was honest and told me he wasn’t ready for that. “Not yet, we’re still getting to know each other.”
We saw each other regularly, usually on Thursday’s and over the weekend. He continued with his Tuesday night game. I made a conscious decision to not attend on Tuesday nights. I wanted to give us some space so we weren’t constantly together. Too much too soon is not good for a relationship.
Just Friends?
One of my newer friends, Nancy, had met IDWAC several months before. They had one date, it ended with a kiss and they never saw each other after that. IDWAC and I discussed it.
I had no reason to think he had any interest in her anymore, so I thought nothing of it.
I had other friends at the Tuesday night game, and it got back to me that when Nancy was there, she was regularly throwing herself at IDWAC. It reached the point where one close friend reminded Nancy that I was dating him. I told my good friend I wasn’t concerned. IDWAC and I had discussed it, and he wasn’t interested in her.
At the end of November, on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, IDWAC came to my house. I made dinner and we had a great night. This time, he was ready to spend the night with me. Even though he didn’t want a commitment, he was comfortable enough with our relationship that he was ready to spend the night with me. Win!
We texted over the next couple of days, including Wednesday, when I was headed out of town to throw a big party for my mother’s milestone birthday. “Call me if you need to talk. I’ll help keep you awake on the drive” he said to me. Such a sweet man!
Our conversations continued over the next few days. Everything was as it had been. A growing relationship that I was really enjoying, while I still stayed in contact with the other guy because IDWAC didn’t want a commitment.
Broken Girl Code
The day after Thanksgiving IDWAC and I were texting. We caught up on each other’s Thanksgiving festivities. He asked if I could talk. I wasn’t able to. My daughter was still sleeping in the hotel room.
So, I asked, “What’s up?”
IDWAC: “I need to opt out of the physical part of our relationship. I reconnected with someone we both know.”
My jaw dropped. I knew exactly who this person was…
“Who?” I replied.
“Nancy.”
My blood started to boil. I couldn’t believe it! Not only did Nancy PRETEND to be my friend, IDWAC allowed himself to get close enough to her, that this conversation even came up in the first place? WTF?
I had ONE RULE. Don’t do it in my circle.
And F’ing Nancy – Girl Code means NOTHING to her. Never in a million years would I EVER throw myself at a man I knew a friend was involved with.
Needless to say, my relationship with IDWAC ended that day, 500 miles from home, the day before my mother’s milestone birthday party.
IDWAC had not only broken the one rule I asked him to keep, he also created a dark cloud over what was supposed to be a wonderful weekend that was all about my mother.
I did my best to put on a smile throughout the rest of the weekend, but it was a struggle. I reached out to the other guy, but it didn’t help. Even though IDWAC didn’t want a commitment, I thought he was a good guy, and someone I thought I could trust.
Turns out I was wrong. Nothing hurts more than betrayal, and I was betrayed by two people. IDWAC and F’ing Nancy, my so-called friend.
True friendships are so hard to find. Why would anyone ever risk losing a long-term friend over a guy? Alas it happened – Twice. I’ll share the second story at a later date. I will give you a preview – the second time it happened, my BFF had sex with the guy I was seeing.
At least, to my knowledge, IDWAC had the courtesy to end things prior to getting physical with F’ing Nancy.
Dating Refinery’s Blogs, Articles and Diaries are meant to reflect an individual’s experience and do not necessarily reflect Dating Refinery’s point of view. Dating Refinery in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior.
We hope you enjoyed this episode!
The first step to getting your life in order might just be sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with us — to try on your own, check out our blogs and discovery sections. For more information and stories, click here.
Do you have a Dating Diary you’d like to share? Submit it with us here.
Do you have a Video you’d like to share? Submit it with us here.
Have questions about how to submit or our publishing process? Email us here.
