Is It Possible to Have It All – both a career and a family?
By: The General
Click on Listen to More Episodes and go to November 1st. See Timestamp: 1:32:25 to 1:39:27
Setting the Stage – Abby Wants Advice on Pursuing Career over Family
The Bobby Bones Show, Phone Screener Abby– who answers phones and produces for the show, asks for advice on her personal life.
Abby and most of her friends moved to Nashville, chasing a dream. A career dream.
Now that they feel like they are where they need to be professionally (happy with their jobs). “We now have everything,” she says, “but are missing a family of their own.” Most of her friends’ back home are married with kids. She feels like she had to, or now has to, sacrifice one for the other. Her question is, “is it possible to have it all- both a career and a family (at this stage in her life)?”
Bobby Bones, the show’s host, asks her why she is considering this, and why it is getting to her now?
Abby says, “It’s really hard now to meet somebody in a big city.” She thought she might have more opportunity in a small town, but Bobby interjects and says there are more people in a big town, insinuating that the location is probably not the problem.
Lunchbox, a co-host, injects that since this is the case, “maybe you should just settle,” or “give up the dream and go home.” The group scoffs a bit at this as an option.
Abby then agrees that her original dream of being a singer is no longer her main dream, it’s more of a side gig. It’s not the dream anymore to be a Country Music star, a dream that she pursued in her 20s to today (about 10 years), but she is happy with her radio career and now doesn’t feel that she has a fulfilling personal life. It would be great to have it all.
It is now that she is in her 30s that she is aware of her biological clock ticking away, and it is becoming louder. She is experiencing this feeling after, or because of, or is exacerbated due to, her recent breakup. She doesn’t want to be with him anymore, but now that she is single again in her 30s, she finds herself longing for that ‘what-if’ scenario- what if she had taken or would take a different path, and moved/should move back to home and get married and had, or to have kids- giving up on Nashville.
Bobby interjects his perspective of what it takes, and his own experience with great sacrifice and hard work that he undertook (“the grinding, no personal life, no skills developed to connect with another because he was too busy”) in order to build his career. He says that he was 39-40 before getting married and reminisced about his own potential sacrifices of giving up having kids for his own career.
Then, he told her what she is doing is just fine, and she is fine, just to not do anything ‘half-way’ and go full force in the direction of your career, if you are committed to your career and you feel like you should be, then you should keep running. She says it has been 10 years already, what if it is another 10 years or more? – meaning that of finding a man.
Again, Lunchbox says, “why don’t you freeze your eggs. You can do that, or stand on the side of the road and say you need a dude, you can do that.” She again scoffs at that notion.
Bobby says to not let her age freak her out. He acknowledges that science allows her to freeze her eggs. But he tries to emphasize that she should not be stressing over it. Bobby tells her she can control it and not to freak out about it. It is just effort. If it’s a priority she has to prioritize getting out, going out, and meeting people and trying different routines.
Amy Brown, a co-host, say that “Abby shouldn’t compare herself to others, as it may distract her from what she needs to do for herself.” It won’t give her peace comparing herself to people back home who may be jealous of her. She then answers her original question and says yes, it is possible to have both. “You just have to make the space for it,” she says. She was just in a relationship that ended, but neither wanted to sacrifice, she would have had to move to keep it and sacrifice for him. “So he wasn’t the one, “says Amy.
Should she have compromised? Abby then says that she wants to stay in Nashville.
Bobby asks what Abby wants and what is she willing to change? She wants a “Quality Guy,” but doesn’t want to use dating apps. “It is very exhausting, and I would rather meet them in person,” she says. She hopes they will merely appear.
Thought on their Advice
I’m a big fan of the show, but you probably shouldn’t seek their advice on your love life. You have got to love Mr. Bones and the crew, but this advice is probably questionable (at a minimum), to actually bad advice for this 30+-year-old woman, who is feeling the genetic pull of motherhood and missing the marriage and family potential.
Teen girls in the 80s on through to today, were told that they shouldn’t rely upon a man. They felt a lot of pressure to have a career, that is pressure to have a career “equal” to their future marriage partner, because having a family and being a housewife was frowned upon. I think this has had an impact on men also. Guys in school were told that women needed to contribute financially, equally, and that they shouldn’t be interested in women who wanted to be stay-at-home moms.
According to Mary Eberstadt, senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center and author of multiple books including Adam and Eve After the Pill, Revisited, says, “there has been a lowering of standards for both men and women. Among the biggest issues is that Men were not given their due, and men are not given things to live up to or to strive for, including the privileged of protecting women and children. The idea that it is even a privilege, has been lost on our culture.”
So, given this scenario, I wanted to share a few thoughts on the matter, which should be explored. These include, difference between men and women both psychologically and physiologically; prioritization in life, and the marketplace of available men and women.
So, often today, you hear of women who regretted pursuing a career path so diligently and having this immense drive, that ended in them trading family for their career. Later in life, they come to a realization that family, children and grandchildren is all important. They tell women today, not to “opt out” of it, as you might find that you have a profound loneliness later in life. They say the sexual revolution failed children and impacted their lives as healthy adults with families.
What Abby is missing today in her understanding of her situation. And the fact that Abby’s pool of men chasing her, because she is now in the next stage of her life, has decreased, or moreover, the pool of men that she wants, that might want her, has decreased.
Where Are All of the Good Men at?
Where are all of the good men at? Many of them ask. I can’t find anyone I want to date. Women today are now better educated and making more money than their counterpart in men.
Well the “good ones” might be married. These are the securely-attached men (see: attachment styles).
The ones her age that aren’t, have a larger pool of women that are their age and younger to choose from. For a guy in his thirties, there are many young beautiful women turning 21 every day. Men in this age bracket who are successful, and are wanting a family for their own legacy, don’t typically seek a woman their own age, or one that they find it difficult to be a leader to in their own homes.
Within the sexual marketplace, men see success later in life with women, when they themselves are successful- career, socially and moneywise. Their options open up as they become more ‘eligible bachelors’ and are seen as ‘good catches,’ and when they have successful careers themselves and the money that goes with it. Many of these men might be avoidant-attached as well. For women they have more prospects when they are younger with youthful beauty, innocence and higher energy levels. We are speaking about the majority and generalizations, but this is generally true overall.
Why is this true you might ask? In general, women are measured and aligned or ranked by men against a beauty standard, and men are generally applied against a success standard and the ability to provide.
This is the missing piece of information that many women attain or come to understand too late. They were told they could have it all, and they should seek a career first in lieu of building a life together with a man. They aren’t taught that they should prioritize relationships at a time when they have the greatest opportunity to get a man their age, with great qualities, looks and great potential. Their biological clock kicks in much sooner than a man’s does. Many of them have it tuned out.
Prioritize
Women’s opportunities to have children decrease sharply after age 35. Geriatric pregnancy begins at 35, which is the age when fertility starts to decline more rapidly and your chances for complications increase more significantly. Per Nebraska Medicine, defines “advanced maternal age (formerly geriatric pregnancy) as those who are 35 years or older at their delivery date. Historically, pregnancies at this age or older are considered at higher risk – for patient and fetus.”
Instead of prioritizing husbands and children, many women are told they should get a career, get their own money (just in case- out of fear) and then later when they have played the field themselves, should seek a partner. They are then interested in a partner that is as successful or more successful than themselves.
Some women who seek a family later in life, have such high standards themselves, at a time when they have a reduced and a more competitive pool of men from which to choose within.
This is at a time when women, on average, have more college degrees than men their age, and may have more professional success than men on average today. At a time when men who are in the top tier of men, with professional success, have more women to choose from and are open to playing the field more. This is because earlier in life they didn’t have this advantage or the opportunities that they have now.
I suspect that Bobby, with his successful career at 39-40 years old, had women pursuing him or at least had a pool or good women more open to him than anytime previously in his life. This is probably the opposite with a woman in this situation. Women’s success doesn’t make them more attractive to most men. Men and women are different and have different advantages at different times in life, based upon very different sets of factors. For men, their single status at 30+ is seen as a feature, for women it is seen as negative.
If these women married earlier in life, they could indeed have found it much easier to ‘have it all.’
They would stand a better than average chance to ‘have it all’ in a way that could include all of the pieces that meet or constitute a successful life. This could certainly include a career and a family, and true, which may include some compromises along the way. When younger, they again, had the numbers of men they have to choose from, being far greater and more available to them for marriage than they do later in life.
So, What Should She Do?
Okay, with all of that said, and we have studied the situation, it is not all doom and gloom for Abby and many women like her. There is hope!
She should take a hard look at her life and prioritize her future, not just her career, or in lieu of her career if this is the most important between the two.
If she decides that a marriage and family are high on her list, she should understand the marketplace between men and women and her place in it. Just as women are not the same, not all men are equal. But taken in general, for most men she should read our article, How to Prepare Yourself for a Relationship which gives details on Starting New and How do I Prepare. Additionally, she may consider the following:
- Maximize her beauty, style and what she brings to a man that she is interested in
- She may have to look at her requirements list for a partner and narrow it down a bit:
- to understand her must haves vs. her potential long list of necessaries or absolute desires (think over six feet tall only, over $150K a year only, from a good family with parents still together, or the like)
- look for areas where she realistically could compromise
- She may consider going up in age. Men don’t hit their financial peak until age 45-55. These men, if available, may be looking to build their legacy with children.
- Maybe consider a small business owner, a HENRY, or Blue Caller HENRY still on the rise?
- She may have to drop some of her dealbreakers, unrealistic expectations or any ‘Icks’ (self sabotaging turnoffs) that were probably more perceived, and not real. But, not to compromise on something non-acceptable of course.
- She should hang out or visit places alone without her friends, in places where men that she wants, hang out. This increases her odds of being approached by someone who frequents the lifestyle that she desires. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Be open.
- Give him an in. e.g., drop something on the floor for him to pick up and hand to you. Men will fall for about any excuse to talk to you short of a cold approach.
- She should up her wifely skills. Just as they say to dress the part or fake it before you make it, she should be prepared, have the skills, and act like a wife to the men she meets. This may sound sexist, but men are more traditional the more successful they are. They simply desire someone who makes their life easier, respects them, has sex with them, and supports them.
- This of course could mean that she should learn what a man’s needs and desires like being a supportive partner, one who shows grace and is a strong defender of family.
- She honors him with her own actions and character, acting as a trusted advisor
- She is encouraging and trusting
- She loves him. Men can be a bit like children and need the touch and care only a woman can bring.
- Join an activity or club that professionals attend or are a part of. Note; a participant has more time to interact than the director of the activity. Be a social butterfly.
- Consider the demographics of the town or area where you live. If it is all older married people, then you are limited in “running into” someone with potential. If it is all female, move.
In Conclusion
It does take effort on her part if she wants to have it all. She may have passed on potential suiters in the past that were up and comers, since she was focused on her career. Maybe not pass on the next one that meets her set of must haves (and possibly compromise, not settle). How does he make you feel?
The bottom line in these recommendations, is that she shouldn’t have to compromise herself or go after ‘unworthy men.’ She just has to shift her priorities, if a marriage and family is a priority for her, which it feels like that is where she is leading.
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