Love and Lasting Relationships
A solid relationship, cannot and should not be defined by just feelings alone. Love is of paramount importance to an individual. For many it is the thing that brings them the most joy. For others it may be the thing that gives them the most pain, but let’s not focus on that for now. The goal is Love and a Lasting Relationship.
Love is a Binding Emotion
Love is a binding emotion that brings that warm feeling in your chest and a pride and a strength of personal wellbeing. It is a personal response that is different for everyone, and is different at different times. Of course we are talking about romantic love here, not parental love or friendships. Romantic love brings out the emotions, and for some a huge amount of passion.
Love brings with it attraction, and it pulls on our animalistic tendencies to mate and procreate in a long lasting relationship. It brings joy at spending time with one another and leads to caring for one another’s outcomes and/or a sense of security.
Relationships are a Bond
A relationship on the other hand, is a bond between two people. It is a mutual connection that can be characterized by some amount of interdependence and emotional stability. Again there are different types of relationship and we are focused here on romantic relationships. We are talking about relationships with more serious and involved emotional connections, that come with mutual support and regular and at times deep communication.
A relationship should be fulfilling. Being in a relationship brings a level of respect, and a trust and a compatibility that stretches into one’s soul. Good relationships don’t happen overnight. They take work, commitment, compromise, forgiveness and effort.
Men and women may define love differently. For man love is more simplified and practical, like providing for her and being appreciated. For her is more complex and emotionally tied to things like security being valued and sharing.
According to the New York Times article by Tara Parker-Poke, How to Have a Better Relationship, “Romantic love has been called a “natural addiction” because it activates the brain’s reward center — notably the dopamine pathways associated with drug addiction, alcohol and gambling. But those same pathways are also associated with novelty, energy, focus, learning, motivation, ecstasy and craving. No wonder we feel so energized and motivated when we fall in love!
You have to be prepared to act when you get into a relationship as time is of the essence.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, podcaster, and advice columnist says relationships are like concrete. Early on when the concrete is wet you can change the direction and flow, but relationships, like concrete, quickly solidify into a pattern that is set in solid.
Commitment, not Love is the Glue in Relationships
Don’t go into a relationship, assuming that love is the glue that keeps you together forever, that may just be the fallacy that people are living by, and why the divorce rate is so high.
We have read much about love and its lasting properties. Love is very important, but it is often misunderstood. Love is more than the feeling you are feeling at a particular point in time. People give up on love easily because they don’t fully understand it, and therefore give up on relationships just as easily. A true love in relationships has many phases, and ups and downs.
It is easy to fall in an out of being actively in love with someone. Have you heard people say they love someone, but are not in-love with them? Again, this is because love ebbs and flow, as people change and grow. In a long lasting relationships, you have to ride the wave and the ups and downs that comes with the rising and falling of the tides.
According to our Dating Refinery post, Dating Apps and Matching is Done in all of the Wrong Ways, in reference to relationship expert Mathew Hussey, “Relationships cannot be about unconditional love.” Hussey says, “You need to ask if this person is acting like a teammate, or are they a person who just needs validation at this point in their life?” You have to ask yourself, does that person meet your values? Is that person even open to the prospect of a long-term relationship?”
According to Author and ‘You-Tuber,’ Tom Bilyeu, and Relationship Coach and Author, Sadia Khan, “the glue that keeps people together in a relationship or marriage is not necessarily love, but the duty to one another’s wellbeing, and the duty to the function of the relationship or marriage.”
A lasting relationship, is a commitment to being committed to an extended or lifelong union.
Khan says, “You could say that the duty to your partner’s wellbeing is love, and you may not be wrong, but it isn’t a point in time feeling that is important.” It’s the commitment that is of paramount importance.
In fact, it takes a number of things for a relationship to thrive. Things like love and passion are important factors, but aren’t the only factor or values that allow a relationship to prosper.
Again, according to both Bilueu and Kahn, who collaborated on this list in this Podcast Video, the Values that allow a relationship to thrive are:
- Honesty – Even if it hurts, you shouldn’t hide your feelings (but share constructively without a mean spirit or “without venom”)
- Integrity – Not doing anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t do in front of them and sticking to your commitments
- Respect – embrace your partner and be a cheerleader and fight for one another
- Love – an emotional feeling of being connected
- Passion – a desire and devotion to your purpose, for life, your partners wellbeing
In love, as in everything else, prosperity favors the brave. It is the act of trying and the act of committing that makes the difference. The Act. The act of doing something, showing something, a behavior not just a feeling. Have you heard a person say show me that you love me, not tell me that you love me?
The authors say, in general, men like acts of service, and they like their partner giving them a meal. There is something about this act that hits men at an instinctual level.
Men tend to have a carnal response to a woman’s act of giving to him. I don’t mean a carnal mind of selfishness or impure thoughts, but it does kick up their attractiveness.
It is not the meal itself, but their act of understanding of a man’s needs and anticipating and predicting it in advance of them expressing it. It is the recognition of his needs and make them go away. It boils down to appreciation and being appreciated.
Lasting Relationships
Finally, lasting relationships take effort, continuous effort and maintenance. Finding and properly vetting that worthy person for that lasting relationship is crucial. Don’t commit too soon without knowing that person better and knowing what they are about. It’s easy to be infatuated with an impressive person. But are you compatible and are you a match? Can you get on board with each other’s programming?
Podcaster, writer and lifestyle guru, Jay Shetty says that it takes 200 hours minimum to first establish the compatibility that is required for a lasting relationship. When delving deeper into finding that certain someone and choosing appropriately, there are some things that you must know.
As part of a dating journey, you have to learn about each other and discover your true compatibilities. He says there are three dates that are required when dating.
Three necessary dates, don’t have to be the first three, but need to take place during the dating journey, these are:
- Do I like this person’s personality? Do I like their company? Most of the time on the date is spent trying to figure out if they like you. You should be doing the reverse. Is there a spark and do they have the skills to communicate, listen, can they make you feel seen and heard, can they debate nicely, do I engage with them, do I like their company, do I connect with them, what are their morals, are they organized, or are they funny or interesting?
- Do I respect their values? These may not be the exact same values as you. Try to understand what they care about most. Is it money, family, work, or service to the world. What are their top three priorities?
- Am I committed to them achieving their goals? I am willing to support them in being the best person they can be?
Again, you need about 200 hours to know if they are a compatible match. Check out Jay Shetty’s latest book, 8 Rules of Love: https://www.amazon.com/Rules-Love-How…
Once you find your person, and believe you can commit to them without reservations, then maybe you are ready for that lasting relationship. You cannot rely on the feeling of love alone, as these are feelings that may change like the weather. Love ebbs and flows in a relationship, and commitment is the bond or glue that holds it together.
****
Dating Refinery’s Blogs, Articles and Diaries are meant to reflect an individual’s experience and do not necessarily reflect Dating Refinery’s point of view. Dating Refinery in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior.
We hope you enjoyed this episode!
The first step to getting your life in order might just be sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences with us — to try on your own, check out our blogs and discovery sections. For more information and stories, click here.
Do you have a Dating Diary you’d like to share? Submit it with us here.
Do you have a Video you’d like to share? Submit it with us here.
Have questions about how to submit or our publishing process? Email us here.
