I have been dating off and on for a few years and tonight I met a man who is NOT ready to be on the dating scene.
Unhealthy Boundaries
You need to be sure you have set healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries that identify the behaviors you want to be around, and boundaries that identify the behavior you don’t want to be around.
This man was within my healthy boundaries, until suddenly he wasn’t.
He’s not quite divorced, but he felt so comfortable with me that he went on and on about the problems in his marriage.
As I sipped my old fashioned, he proceeded to tell me how she cheated on him, and how she threatened him. He also shared that he’s living in the same house with her so he can be with his very young children. I heard about their sex life, and what she wouldn’t do and how she tried to manipulate him.
Hello red flags!
He even commented that he knew what I was thinking – “when is his divorce going to be final?”
That’s NOT what I was thinking.
I was thinking “Oh dear this man has a lot he needs to work on. This is definitely a first and LAST date.”
Don’t get me wrong, I am sympathetic to his plight, but this is his stuff to work on, not mine. A first date is not the place to air the details of your failing marriage. Been there, done that. He needs to grow before he really gets into the dating pool.
The Flip
Then the pendulum swung the other way.
He went from going on about his horrible marriage to complimenting me.
Now, I am someone who is not completely comfortable with being complimented, but at the same time I’ve learned how to accept a compliment graciously. It’s important to thank the giver, but also move on with the conversation.
He was very nice, a gentleman even. Very respectful, but there came a point during dinner that he spent so much time gushing over me that it became very uncomfortable.
He Said:
“You are so amazing, so beautiful!”
“Oh my God when you took your glasses off!”
“I can’t share you with anyone. I can’t.”
I stopped him. It was all getting to be too much and making me very uncomfortable. I mean, I knew the man for less than an hour and he’s acting like a love struck 14 year old. He even told me he felt like a 14 year old boy.
It was time to end the date. I told him I was getting tired and needed to get home. He paid the bill and he walked me to my car. In the past, I’ve offered to drive my dates to their car if they weren’t parked near me, but not this guy. There was no way I was letting him into my car.
I gave him a hug goodbye and tried to not act like I was rushing to get away from him.
Afterhours
After I got home I received the following text messages from him:
You turned my world upside down tonight! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You are one of the most beautiful inside and out people that I have ever met in my whole life. And please do not confuse this with love bombing in any way. I consider myself as one of the luckiest people to have experienced your company during their lifetime. I am so looking forward to meeting you again
I hope you reached home safely.
I do not ever remember having such an incredible connection with anyone in my life as I had with you tonight, and that is not an exaggeration in any shape or form.
You don’t have to respond to any of this, but please just let me know that you got home safely.
Healthy Boundaries are Required in Your Relationships
You’re going to have some bad dates. This is just one example. I’ve got many more to share as well.
Do yourself a favor and be sure you have set up healthy boundaries for yourself. Identify the behaviors you want, and draw a firm line on the behaviors you don’t want. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
