Prepare Yourself for a Relationship – Dating and Relationship Advice
You have an Initial attraction and maybe a conversation with a nice, attractive man. You look good, you are in good shape with decent style. You are confident. You then ask yourself, what am I about beyond my looks? You question yourself…
You may ask, what is he about as well, but you realize that you need to be able to answer for yourself or of yourself, what else? What am I about? What do I have that makes me relationship material?
You start digging deeper and wonder what are the things that could lead to a relationship with this guy.
Maybe, just maybe, you need to prepare yourself for a relationship.
Starting New
You are still single, or suddenly find yourself single. Now what? What are you doing to prepare yourself for a relationship? You want to be the best that you can be, right?
You have to learn for yourself, who you are as a person. Get to know yourself better. What you like, what you dislike, etc. This gives you a clear vision of what works for you.
What are you willing to, or not do? What are you going to compromise on? What am I already doing if I want to prepare myself for being in a relationship? What should I be doing?
How you live your life as a single person will reflect your ability to have a successful relationship. Remember the old adage, dress for the job you want. You put extra care into your clothing and appearance to project an image of professionalism.
The full quote from Austin Kleon, author of Steal like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative, is — ‘You have to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, and you have to start doing the work you want to be doing.’
Well, what work are you doing in preparing for a Relationship? Benjamin Franklin once said, by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Remember, we create healthy relationships by being healthy ourselves. We attract healthy relationships when we ourselves are healthy. We attract healthy people, if we ourselves, are healthy.
It’s important to do the growing and preparation to become a better person yourself, in order to bring that healthy, adjusted person towards the next relationship.
If you want to do something well in life, to be great at something, you prepare for it.
So, How Do I Prepare?
As a Single Person You Should Ask Yourself –
What is the roadmap that would define a healthy approach, and what would a solid relationship look like? What is it that I need to understand about being emotionally mature?
What were the questions that I should ask myself to find the answers I need? Well, to start I asked myself the following:
- Do I know how to communicate effectively? If I don’t, it will show up in my relationships.
- Do I know how to manage conflict well? If I don’t, it will show up in my relationships.
- Do I know how to set boundaries? If I don’t, I may choose somebody that I am co-dependent upon. It is going to reflect in who I choose to associate myself with.
- Am I really over the last relationship? If not, it will show and haunt my next relationship.
Become the Right Person and Make the Right Choices
Knowing the answers to the above questions, and having a plan to the address each of them will allow you to be better prepared, and to make better choices in the future. You can suddenly stop the past mistakes, or picking the wrong types, if you are prepared.
These answers will let you know who the right match will be for you, for what it is that you want. Take a look at the Core Values you need in a partner also. You have to be able to be matched with the same set of morals and values.
The particular answers to these questions are personal to you. There is no cheat sheet, you must do the hard work and actually answer these for yourself.
If you just got out of relationship you have to do some work. Begin that work with radical acceptance after a break up – and ask yourself, what was the missing clue for why it went bad? Were you a bad match or were you inflexible? Were you or he just not committed?
These answers will help you see what worked and what your Red Flags are for the future. Doing the work, makes things clearer. It’s the starting blocks for your next move.
You Cannot be a Cynic about Love and Expect to Attract Love at the Same Time
You must address the fear of failure, the fear of a relationship not working. The fear that you were the problem. Well, if you were the problem, what are you doing that you can change?
When you go through relationships, through the betrayals, or heartbreak, and the pain, you can become cynical. You must reject that, and work through it to overcome these fears and hurts.
You have to do the work to get through all of that, to come out the other side and be prepared.
If you are a cynic about love, you won’t achieve it in the future. If your past relationships manifested in a negative take of love, then you will carry that baggage around with you. You have to face it.
Let me say it once more, if you carry baggage from your past and have cynicism about love, you will not be successful at love going forward.
You have to work your way back to a happy place. Get expert advice if you need to, there is no shame in that. Therapy is therapeutic. Don’t be afraid of it. Professionals do that for a living, let them do what they do. You keep an open mind and heart.
How Do You Keep Your Heart Open?
What do you have to do going forward? You must reframe your thought and feelings about the past. You must learn to let the past, stay in the past. Don’t make someone in your future, pay for your past relationships or relationship failures. Your future depends on it!
You will want to show outwardly that you are a person committed to healthily connections, healthy love and a successful relationship. Being committed to the same commitments is what make successful relationships or marriages, that is what it boils down to. It is a conscious decision to feel love. True love. Not an involuntary feeling of love. Or just attraction.
You have to manifest what you want, and have a commitment to that positive manifestation.
Again, I cannot stress this more, get the help you need to achieve this for you, to reframe that focus.
Reframe those past issues for yourself.
Separate Your Feelings from the Facts Here
Healing is a journey, not a one-time event. You have to be on a healing journey before entering a new relationship. In fact, you should have been on that journey for some time already.
You have to decide what that timeline is for you. But, you have to be honest with yourself, as only you know when you are actually ready.
A good rule of thumb is to be in a place to bring your happy self into the next relationship. If you are not healed or in a healthy well-adjusted state, and happy, you are not ready for a commitment. It’s okay to date, but it can’t be anything serious and you should be honest with them.
Get prepared, get healed, get focused, get committed.
Commitment
Your future and future relationships must include a commitment. I’m not talking about a commitment to the relationship only, but first a commitment to being committed. Committed to doing the preparing. Committed to doing the work. Committed to being healthy. Committed to being sane. Committed to being the best person you can be. Then, and only then can you face the commitment required for a long-term relationship.
Future Commitments
So, you have done the work, met the right guy. Fall in love.
When you have been dating for a while and preparing yourself for long-term commitment relationship or a marriage, you now have a new set of questions you must be ready to address.
These are centered on the future and what is to look like for the long-term:
- What are your real intentions for each other? This is really the key to understanding if you are going in the same direction.
- What are your expectations for your future long-term partner or husband?
- What are his expectations of you?
In a solid relationship, you must allow someone to see you at your most vulnerable state. You cannot put that mask back on that you might have worn in your last relationship, and not be your authentic self.
If you decide what your expectations are and are not willing to communicate them. You are not in the right state of mind and within the proper frame. The resentment will build if there are unmet expectations…
Clearly communicating what your expectations are, in some detail, will enable your partner to meet them, or decide that they don’t want to. (the latter is a risk you must take). Don’t go into the relationship thinking you can change them.
Compatibility is a real thing that must be honestly pursued. Compatibility, chemistry and connection are all three necessary of you, and for you. These cannot be faked. If you are faking any of these, it will become evident over time, if not immediately evident.
Additionally, you must ask:
- How much time do you want to spend with each other?
- What does day-to-day life look like?
- What are your life goals, your life path? A simple life or a storied career and busy existence?
A lot of relationships fail due to lack of understanding of the life plan we have for ourselves. Is it a simple house with a white picket fence in the country or an apartment in the city in walking distance to that great restaurant you both like?
Communicating you plan, and hearing your partner’s plan, enables you to have a joint plan. This plan requires your buy-in. It requires his buy-in. This is the part of that commitment.
Remember, you are dating their reality; you want to marry their potential. You want to prepare yourself for a relationship and the life you want.
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