Where’s the Romance?
As a guy who is not particularly romantic, I don’t know where romance has gone. Frankly, I don’t hear anyone talking about it. Heck, I’m not sure that I can particularly define it accurately for myself at the moment.
You used to hear a lot about Love and Romance. In fact, there is a whole industry focused on the subject, and in particular it makes me think about the Romance Novels with Fabio on the cover art. According to Google, he was on 465 book covers, if anyone cares.
“465. The definitive number of Fabio romance covers, according to cover model Jason Baca, who now claims the title for most romance covers.”
I guess he has been surpassed by some other guy! Who knew? Who cares?
Anyway, what is Romance and where did it go?
Sorry, I have to look up the Romance term first.
According to Wikipedia ,“Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.”
Okay I can buy that love is maybe a big piece of that, maybe. But I think it is more related to the second half of the definition – “the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual.” But again, I’m not completely sure that it is directly tied to love or the last part, “undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.” Again I’m no expert, but I may be on to something?
When I think of courtship, I don’t immediately think of love in that process. Marriages of the past were very quick and based principally upon economic decisions. It was meeting or matching (however this is done), followed by a courtship with the intention of marriage (today called dating with intention or dating with a purpose). Of course there are arranged marriages, and these surprisingly are more successful when measured against or among those still married today. I suppose these had a courtship period, but maybe they didn’t also, so no romance for them…
Mathew Hussey, dating relationships expert and coach primarily for woman, says don’t date for attraction. To me this goes hand in hand with the idea of marriage as an arrangement between men and women. So, I think that maybe romance is something that comes as a result or following the agreed upon arrangement and that it is utilized to strengthen the arrangement or relationship that is entered into. i.e., romance to strengthen the commitment.
If you think of courtship and not just an attraction on physical characteristics, women can find value in their marriages without an immediate attraction. Woman are supposed to be the pretty ones anyway. Men are more utilitarian and practical.
Per Mathew Hussey’s 4 stages of attraction and compatibility: Chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. Chemistry only is measured in-person, not a via a photo, as it can be the way you carry yourself or express yourself. Maybe a certain micro action.
Perceived value is what we are and do, our personality, or what we are good at in life, or the life we have built in general. It could be friends and family that look inviting to join up with.
The perceived challenge is for your value to have a price; your value doesn’t come for free. Value is earned, like already being prepared to make the kind of sacrifices you are prepared to make for someone. Be respected on a level that you respect them. Giving and respecting on a certain level and not giving too much credit too quickly. Don’t come from a needy place, this gives value where it isn’t possibly warranted to the other person. Don’t project value and artificially put someone on a pedestal, you have to take the time to see their value.
Then, are we connected and is there a mutual chemistry? These are necessary for compatibility. Looking at compatibility, do we both want to live the same kind of life, have the same definition of loyalty and emotional sharing. He references four stages of importance: admiration, connection and chemistry, commitment, and compatibility, and without all four you cannot have a successful relationship.
Maybe Romantic Love is different than Romance itself. These stages attraction are not romance but what comes from all four stages might end up being love. Romance probably plays a key in this dance through these stages, right?
Okay, what about Romance that isn’t associated with a marriage, is that a thing?
I would say so, but probably still under the confines of a relationship.
Romance is maybe more than I suggested earlier, and that it is also associated with gaining attraction and possibly keeping a status between two individuals. Is that love? I think it helps lead to love, it could be one in the same, almost. But flirting is part of chemistry really, when you think about what is attraction. Is romance simply flirting? That is probably part of it.
So then Romance is the experience between two Individuals; it is the connection and the chemistry personified. Compatibility isn’t romance, so I guess you could truly have romance without true compatibility, but if you did, then it would most likely be short lived or at least trying to operate within a rocky relationship. Is that lust and not romance in this case?
I think my above definition seems closer to the truth about what is romance- i.e., associated with gaining attraction and possibly keeping a status between two individuals.
What is Romantic love then?
Romance is basis for romantic love then? That seems to make sense. I guess there are different types of love, but I’m not going to get into that (agape and all). Romance is associated with gaining attraction and possibly keeping a status between two individuals… So romance is the action of the sparking or keeping the connection.
So, maybe romantic love is continuing the romance actions (or courtship behaviors) in a loving relationship. If that is true, are you then in a constant state of courting if you are in a long term relationship? Okay there are probably different stages of relationships too. Maybe if you are in some systematic state of courting within your relationship, you will have a forever relationship? A forever romantic love.
Is a place romantic then?
Ah, I guess that may be a misnomer. The place is only romantic if you are there with someone in that state of being, or that state of a relationship. The place can be very nice and have all or some of the elements that the two of you think of when you want to share your time together. The place itself is just a place. Romance might be your feelings about the place or the memories you shared there.
Where has romance gone?
Well relationship have changed. We grow and change in relationships also. Maybe it isn’t gone but really part of a stage or a few stages of relationships. I didn’t want to get into relationship types so I will simply state that it seems there to be more romance at the beginning of a relationship, and at periods within the relationship, but romance may not necessarily exist at all stages.
Maybe you need that forever romantic love, maybe you don’t. Maybe it is important only at particular times or moments.
So is it gone?
No. No it is not.
Romance is there when you need it to be, if there if an effort put forward. Romance just can’t be the end all be all for you and at all times. You have to live your life in different states and stages. Think the honeymoon period vs the deep attachment period.
Seeking and desiring love and romance is what makes it romantic.
Well, you tell me in the comments, did I answer the question Where’s the Romance?
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